


I Watched the Lanterns Tilt

by Kaylajojo



Category: SKAM (TV)
Genre: Alternate Universe - College/University, Angst, Anxiety, Fluff, Friends to Lovers, Hurt/Comfort, M/M, Mental Illness, Panic Attacks
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2017-06-27
Updated: 2017-07-17
Packaged: 2018-11-19 18:44:08
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 9
Words: 32,467
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/11319369
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Kaylajojo/pseuds/Kaylajojo
Summary: Isak spends too much time crying while sitting on the floor and being upset. Even brings color back into his life and makes him feel less alone. All the while Isak also makes Even feel less alone. Through the change of the seasons they make it work.Isak doesn’t meet Even until University





	1. Chapter 1

The summer rushes by in a dizzying flash of laughter and parties. The feeling of waking up cuddled between Jonas, Magnus and Mahdi after stumbling home at four in the morning, of barbecues on their small balcony and of Eva, Vilde, Noora, Chris and Sana's laughter as they tackle him to the ground in tickle wars. Isak feels so good, so content for the first time in a long time. It’s easy to ignore the sadness and anxiety as he’s passed another beer and laughter rings fresh in his ears. It’s easy to just push it to the back of his mind, always keeping himself occupied with new activities, new distractions.

 

Isak finds himself taking pride in the fact that he’s become an excellent liar, making not only himself believe that he’s happy, but also Jonas, Mahdi, and Magnus. They’re his best friends, the three people who know him almost as well as he knows himself and he’s made them believe he’s coping somehow, that these aren’t all stunning lies and excuses to cover up the weight dragging him down, to cover up his racing thoughts.

 

Then suddenly, school is starting back and Isak finds himself fitting into the routine that’s so carefully been constructed for him. He goes to school, does his work, comes back home, but it’s as if he isn’t there, as if he’s going through the motions for the sake of it, because they’ve been worked into his system, infiltrating his mind and making them impossible to shake.

 

He doesn’t connect with his own life and that scares him more than anything. It scares him how easy it is to separate the life he feels like he’s living from the one he actually is. How they’re two different things and how the gap between them keeps growing, keeps growing too fast for him to do anything about. Some nights he lays awake and replays the day in his head, tries to make himself feel something other than all the anxious thoughts he had and has, tries to make himself look at it differently, but he can’t. He doesn’t know how to force closeness and affection for mundane things like everyone else seems to be able to. And it scares him, scares him to the point where it’s all a haze of feelings and pounding anxiety dashing through his veins.

 

Summer’s never felt further away than when he’s sitting in a washed-out classroom, listening to the sound of tapping pens and pencils and his professor is going on about cell division and reproduction in her monotone voice. Long gone are warm summer nights with the falling sun, making the world a light pink and yellow, everyone’s faces shadowed by the flickering flames of a bonfire. Gone are the spontaneous adventures, everything is now transforming itself into shades of grey as the clouds obstruct the sun. It’s all a dull thrumming against the walls of the room, echoing back and forth, taking over his vision, turning his summer into blurred memories, flittering in his mind.

 

He blinks and the world is back into focus, storing away his memories as he turns his attention to the board. The teacher is still talking in big gestures, her voice booming across the room, filling up every corner. And the thing is that he wishes he could focus, he does. He wishes he could find joy in discussing the many wonders of the body, but he just can’t make his mind slow down enough to focus on one thing, enough to take in every word being said and turn it into some kind of useful information. The words just rush by him in stuck together sentences and it’s all too complicated for his blinking eyes and anxious thoughts to understand.

 

Next to him Sana’s tapping away at a rapid pace and hanging on to the teacher’s every word, nodding in agreement and humming to herself as she continues taking notes. They’re all neatly written with words underlined and clear headlines, nothing like Isak’s own. His are full of doodles and messy scribblings that make little sense, even to himself. But then again Sana’s always been better at that; sorting out her thoughts, tuning out the world and focusing on one task at a time. She is probably the only good thing to come out of this class, Isak figures. If it wasn’t for her kind eyes and her helpfulness, Isak probably would’ve flunked out already.

 

They’d met on the first day, when Isak stumbled in a few seconds before class was supposed to begin, flushed and heart banging inside his chest. He meant to be on time, had planned it all out the night before to be sure he’d make it out the door and not get stuck in bed. He even set his alarm so he’d have another extra twenty minutes in the morning, but he ended up oversleeping and woke up with a heavy weight sitting on his chest, dragging him down. He did everything in his power to ignore the weight but it still grew with every passing minute, every fleeting second, until he just couldn’t anymore. Magnus was the last one out of the apartment with a kiss to Isak’s cheek and a good luck called across his shoulder. And it wasn’t until the moment the door slammed shut that he gave in. He let his body sag against the bathroom wall and slide down until he was sitting on the floor, his toes curled against the cold tiles.

 

He gave himself five minutes to cry, to let it all out. He banged his fist hard against the floor, creating bruises to mirror the ones on his heart, felt the tears leave marks across his cheeks and then he just stopped. It was his first day back, he told himself. He had to make it at least this one day, that not going would be giving up, giving in to everything he’d let himself ignore and forget about for so long. The anxiety was still crippling him, following him with every step he forced himself to take but he got up and made it to class and counted it as a win.

 

Upon arriving he staggered his way across the room, eyes roaming the rows for free seats. With his eyes jumping from seat to seat, he missed a bag sitting on the floor and went toppling forward, dropping his backpack. Books and papers flew everywhere, scattering across the aisle and flying off in different directions. With a pained sigh, Isak picked up his backpack and dropped it on the seat he’d been about to take before bending down to collect his scattered things. He was surprised when a second later he was met with another pair of hands, and looked up to see that the girl next to him was helping him in silence.

 

“Thank you. I’m so sorry, I should’ve been more careful,” Isak rushed out to the girl, pursing his lips into what he hoped resembled an apologetic smile.

 

“It’s no big deal. Don’t stress,” the girl returned with a warm smile, the corners of her eyes crinkling slightly.

 

Isak let out a weak yeah in response and let himself have a good look at the girl for the first time. He scanned her face, taking in the small details of it, everything from her kind, brown eyes to beautiful hijab that was placed perfectly atop her head. Isak collected it all, storing it in his mind and trying his best to remember all the bits and pieces that he could.

 

Meeting her look and giving her a lopsided smile, the girl placed a hand on Isak’s shoulder. She squeezed gently, sensing Isak needed the small act of encouragement, before removing it and placing her hands on her lap.

 

A minute passed and after Isak collected himself she reached out a hand for Isak to take and said, “Really it’s okay…. I’m Sana, by the way.”

 

They’d hit it off right away, Sana a warming presence whenever Isak felt his anxiety take over and whispering lies into his ear, giving him a sense of comfort that made his bones settle down. She never asked questions, just accepted that sometimes Isak wouldn’t pick up his phone for days and would drop off the face of the earth, becoming unreachable and distant. She always gave him the same warm smile as that first day whenever Isak felt good enough to interact with people again, to let people back into his life. She always seemed to understand somehow, keeping her calm even when Isak felt his entire world falling apart around him. She would place a hand on his shoulder or give Isak a small smile when she saw Isak getting antsy and fidgety, looking for a way out, for a way to run. Sana always let him know she understood and accepted Isak’s need for space without ever using his words, without ever pushing or making Isak feel as if he was in the wrong.

 

////

 

He’s on the bathroom floor.

 

Isak doesn’t know how long he’s been sitting there, only that time stopped after the first set of tears escaped his eyes and he managed to place himself against the shower and the sink. Pressing back into the wall, he drags his knees up and places his head in between them as his hands dig into the back of his thighs. He can feel the slightest bit of jabbing pain from his sharp grip, but all he sees is darkness as he closes his eyes and tries to steady his breathing. It’s coming out unsteady and he can feel the panic settling into his body, taking over.

 

He draws his knees tighter around his head as he takes a deep breath and holds it in for a few seconds, trying to settle himself down, to get himself to relax. He releases it and repeats the motion a few times. Inhale and then exhale, until he can feel his breathing slow down. He waits in silence, waits for his body to calm itself down from the rush, listening to his heart beating fast, like the beat of one of those songs he dances to at those house parties, when he’s drunk on alcohol and the feeling of being surrounded by sweaty bodies. Isak always likes it then, likes the way it vibrates against his skin and makes him feel whole, makes his mind go hazy and blurry. Now it just gives him an awful taste in his mouth. He doesn’t associate it with letting himself go, but with feeling confined in his own body, the feeling of his skin burning.

 

He opens his eyes and stares at the floor for a couple of beats, trying his best to ignore the loud ringing of his own heart. 

 

 _He isn’t doing this_ , Isak tells himself firmly. _He isn’t gonna let himself go again_. It’s been two weeks, he can’t be doing this. Not anymore. Not when he’s been doing so good.

 

He squeezes his eyes shut for one, two, three more moments before pushing himself off the floor and onto his feet. His legs wobble underneath him, threatening to give in as he tries standing up straight. His body still shaking, unable to let itself calm down. He arches his back, feels it pop and tilts his head back, taking deep breaths that make his chest rise and fall in tune to his heartbeat.

 

Isak looks around the bathroom, looks at the toothbrushes and the soap on the sink, the pile of clothes that’s sitting on the floor from the showers taken this morning and how forgotten it all looks. How it’s all sitting and waiting for someone to come bring it to life, to bring the colors back into their ashen facade. His vision is blurry as he lets his eyes roam his surroundings and he feels the room start to spin again, the dizziness from standing up settling in. He feels around for the sink behind him, suddenly needing something to steady him so he doesn't fall. He finds the edge and circles his fingers around it, gripping so tight he can feel his knuckles whitening, shooting pain spreading through them.

 

Isak doesn’t know for how long he stands there, repeating words to himself in low mumbles, time passing without him noticing it. Somewhere far away, he hears the faint sound of keys rattling and a door opening. Someone kicking off their shoes and cursing as they step on something. The sound of sock covered feet hitting the floor, approaching, until they stop suddenly.

 

Isak hears all of this but everything else is so overwhelming, so much, that he doesn’t fully understand it until there’s words carrying out into the soundless space. The words are too loud for the small apartment, they bounce off the walls and hit his body, pounding against him from every side.

 

“Isak, Iss, Iss, what happened, are you? Fuck, are you okay? Iss, look at me, talk to me, what happened.” He’s stumbling over the words, repeating them in a rapid pace until they melt into each other and Isak can’t make them out. All he hears is Jonas’ voice growing more panicked, more scared with every spoken word.

 

Jonas takes three large steps towards Isak while stumbling to get his words out. He wraps his arms around him in one swift motion, clutches onto the fabric of his hoodie tightly and burrows his head against his shoulder. It’s Jonas’ warmth, his strong body pressed against Isak’s that finally makes him push out the deep breath he’s been holding in, the one he’s been dreading to release from his fragile body . He finally feels himself let go entirely as he sags in Jonas’ arms, loosening his grip on the counter and letting his arms fall to his sides, crushed underneath Jonas’. Isak rests his head against Jonas’ warm chest as he releases another breath and allows the tears to stream down his face at last.

 

“I’m so sorry,” Isak whispers, barely audible over the broken sobs spilling from his mouth.

 

“For what Iss,” Jonas asks and Isak can feel his chest stiffen the tiniest bit, his shoulders going tense.

 

“For giving in.” _For letting it win._


	2. Chapter 2

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> In September, Isak meets Even.

September comes in with leaves that color the ground and leave the trees bare. The summer’s gone and so are the easy lies and denial Isak kept deep within himself. He’s become accustomed to school, studying, and hectic days. The air of recklessness and freedom he associates with summer flew away as the first cold breeze and rain made its way over Oslo, taking with it the last bit of hope Isak carried around.

 

It’s in September that he loses his hope and regains a small bit of it again.

 

In September, Isak meets Even.

 

_\\\\\\\_

 

It’s eight thirty on a Wednesday morning, meaning it’s about five hours too early for Isak to be sitting in class, halfheartedly copying the teacher’s notes from the board about Meiosis, a crucial part of biology, he’s sure.

 

The thing is that Isak doesn’t particularly care. He doesn’t care about school, or early mornings or about the fucking human body. He finds all of it to be so dull, so pointless, this entire routine he finds himself in. Which is quite unfortunate for Isak considering biology is his favorite subject. He can feel his breaking point creeping up, the point where he just gives up and gives in. He finds that routine tires him out, drains him and he wishes he could fix it somehow, that he was wired differently. Wired so he could handle the stress and routine that comes with school and studying. He figures that at least he hasn’t broken down, not yet, it’s still creeping out from behind the corner, collecting in his subconscious, slowly inching its way forward, day by day, minute by minute.

 

He finds himself giving up on pretending to care after about ten minutes and drops his pen on top of his open notebook. Instead he turns to Sana, who’s focused intently on the lesson, paying no attention to Isak. He pushes forward on his elbows and draws a smiley face in the corner of Sana’s notebook, causing her to stop writing for a second to hit at Isak’s hand and give him a harsh glare. Isak growls quietly at him and tugs on the pencil case by Sana’s hand, who quickly counters by kicking Isak’s foot underneath the table with a hissed order to pay attention. She turns around in her seat again, ending their interactions with a low grumble under her breath.

“But, Sanasol ,” Isak whines, dragging out the obnoxious nickname, jabbing at Sana's hand with his pinky in quick succession “I’m just gonna copy your notes anyway, so what does it matter.

 

“The fuck you are,” Sana says, shoving at his side, causing him to topple backwards and lose his balance momentarily. Isak cries out quietly and throws his hands in the air, nudging Sana who just spares him a look of pity before going back to her notes, her fingers running around the page to try and cover what she’s missed.

 

Isak sticks his tongue out at her before turning back around in his seat. He quickly draws a sloppy stickman meant to resemble Sana in his notebook with the words _i’m really mean to Isak_ written next to it. He applauds himself on his artistic abilities as he balls up the paper and turns towards Sana again, taking aim and then hitting her right in the temple.

 

Sana flinches when hit and the ball goes rolling down the floor, lost underneath a desk. She gives Isak an annoyed look, mouthing the words _fuck off_ and cocks an eyebrow at him. Isak chuckles quietly to himself, waggling his eyebrows in reply and breaking out into a sly smirk. Sana just gives him the finger underneath the desk and shakes her head, as if she can’t believe what she has to deal with.

 

“Alright, class, your assignment for the following two weeks is to make a presentation on the given chapter and to present it to the class when the time is up. You’re going to be reviewing it in groups of three, which will be made out of random,” she explains before turning around and grabbing the roll call from her desk.

 

Isak groans internally. The teacher’s words bore their way into Isak’s mind as her voice rings clear and he let’s his mind wander as she calls out names, pairing them up quickly. He looks around the room at the other students, most of them wearing tired and bored expressions across their faces, their eyes hooded from the lack of sleep yet with a slight perk to them from the six cups of coffee they’ve probably downed by now. They all look as dull, as pale as the walls of the classroom.

 

Isak’s head snaps up once he hears his name called out a few minutes later and he focuses his attention back on the teacher as she speaks up. “Haugen, Aasen, Borstad - you’re one. Bakkoush, Bech Næsheim, Valtersen - you’re also one,” she says, trailing off, calling out the rest of the students.

 

Isak turns to Sana, secretly thankful, waggling his eyebrows and says, “Guess I’ll be looking at those notes after all.”

 

“Shut up, ” Sana groans and turns in her seat, craning her neck and scanning the room. “Where is Even, have you seen him today?”

 

“Sana, I’ve never met him, I don’t even know what he looks like, how am I supposed to know whether he’s here or not,” Isak deadpans as Sana ignores him in favor of continuing her look around the room. Her back is to Isak as she scans through the crowd of students now getting out of their seats and shuffling around, finding their assigned partners.

 

“And, there he is,” Sana says after a few seconds, bringing her hand up to wave towards whom Isak can only imagine is Even. “Ev, right here,” She says, beckoning the boy to come over to where they’re sitting in the far right corner of the room.

 

Isak follows her line of vision and is met with a tall, lanky boy making his way through the crowd. He is beautiful, Isak thinks, with his perfectly styled blond hair and radiant eyes. And Isak isn’t really shy, but he’s also not used to new people. He mainly hangs out with Magnus, Mahdi, and Jonas all of whom he’s known for years, and he sometimes chills with Sana and the girls. He’s loud and spontaneous and should probably work on his brain to mouth filter. But he also doesn’t know how to work around new, shiny people. He hasn’t made a friend in a long time and without the buzz of alcohol running through his veins he isn’t as bold and forward as he knows he can be.

 

“Oh, halla,” the boy says when he reaches them, giving a sheepish wave in greeting. He speaks through a slow, raspy voice, each word tasted on his tongue before spoken. He’s got this glow, this unspoken beauty about him that draws Isak in, making him want to get to know him. It makes him want to know his favorite everything, what makes him tick, if he finds birthdays to be stupid and everything in between.

“Hei Even,” Sana says, Even gives her a smile in return. “This is Isak,” Sana says and gestures to Isak on his left.

 

“Uh yeah i’m Isak,” Isak laughs weakly, aiming for casual, but his voice rings shaky and unsteady to his own ears. Even gives him a nod and tightlipped smile in response. 

 

“So, we should get started then,” Sana says once Even’s dragged a chair to their desk and sat down, their books open on the table in front of them. She then claps her hands, already rambling on about study schedules and outlines before either of them has time to chime in with a reply.

 

Isak sneaks a glance at Even while he listens to Sana speak. Even’s eyes are trained on the words spilling through Sana’s mouth at a fast pace and he’s got his brow slightly furrowed, toying absently at his bottom lip. He nods his head slightly at Sana, running a hand through his beautiful hair and Isak doesn’t know how Even did it, but can already feel himself getting nervous, getting flustered in his presence. Isak lets out a quiet breath as he tries telling himself this won’t go as bad as his mind is telling him it will, that he isn’t already fucked.

 

\\\\\\\

 

Isak finds himself becoming friends with Even after a while. He doesn’t know when they cross the line from people who occasionally see each other to friends with an undercurrent of _I secretly want to kiss you for hours_ , but somehow they do.

 

They exchange numbers right away but for a long time all of their communication goes through Sana who sets up their study sessions and makes sure they all know when and where to meet. They send one or two texts at most throughout the first week, only asking about a piece of information or if the other one’s heard anything from Sana. It’s strange because in class and during their study sessions they get along so well, the conversation flowing so easily and they are always laughing. But it’s as if their friendship is limited to the walls that surround the school, as if outside of class they forget each other’s names and everything that goes along with them.

One night Even texts Isak by mere accident, meaning to send a text to a friend and hitting the wrong number. It starts out with a few texts back and forth, Isak claiming Even’s a crap liar and secretly meant to text him all along and Even is doing nothing to deny it, to Isak’s self-satisfaction and from then on it just doesn't stops.

 

They unfortunately don’t see each other that often with class only being twice a week but they’re constantly texting. Even will send Isak song lyrics, awful jokes, and pictures of beautiful art pieces with random emojis, which makes no sense, but it makes him smile and he finds himself enjoying how different Even is, how unapologetic he is about all the things that make him stand out. Isak sends Even fragments of conversations with Magnus, random things he says that make little sense out of context, live commentary on episodes of Narcos even though Even’s never seen it, and selfies with his tongue sticking out and face scrunched together.

 

The texts just never really stop, it's every unfiltered thought that springs into Isak’s mind, every interesting thing he sees, everything that reminds him of Even and all of it’s so random. Things normally so lost in his day to day life, he now finds himself savoring and instead storing as memories.

 

After texting back and forth for a week and being constantly attached to his phone, Isak figures that yeah, they are probably friends.

 


	3. Chapter 3

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> With less than a week left to finish their project, Sana cancels on Isak and Even leaving the two alone together for the first time.

With less than a week left to finish their project, Sana is cancelling because she has a date, which is a little inconvenient, Isak figures.

 

He’s already out the door and dragged himself halfway across campus when Sana sends him a text saying ‘ _sorry Isabelle can’t work on the project tonight, I got the days mixed up. Date with Eva is tonight, is that going to be okay?’_ after reading this Isak groans and runs a nervous hand through his messy hair before sending off a quick _‘sure no problem,'_ even though being alone with Even is a really big fucking problem.

 

The thing is, Isak knows Even’s attractive, that he’s one of those people with effortless looks and that he’s been blessed with good genes. But at the same time Even manages to also be different from the countless of other attractive people he’s met, because it isn’t restricted to just the physical attraction this time. They work, they play off each other so well and it’s so damn easy to forget about everything else when they’re together, lost in their own world.

 

Isak’s had crushes in the past, lingering ones as well, but something about Even makes him cling to every single cell in Isak’s body, flood his bloodstream and infiltrate every thought running through his mind. He can’t seem to shake him and he doesn’t know if he wants to either.

 

So, plucking up some unknown courage Isak sends a text to Even asking if they’re still on for tonight as he continues walking to the campus library. It’s nearing on seven in the evening with the sun hanging low in the sky, a darkness being cast upon the buildings and passing people occupy his vision. They all wear tired, blank expressions on their faces as they go to their halls or to get some studying done, their books clutched tightly to their chests and bags slung over their shoulders.

 

Less than a minutes later Isak’s phone buzzes with a new text from Even saying that they’re still on. He’s just about to type out a reply when a new text pops up on his screen, _‘you could come over to mine if you want? My hall’s pretty close to the library,’_ and another text a few seconds later, ‘ _if you want of course, it’s fine if you don’t.’_

 

Isak finds a smile creeping onto his face as he reads the messages, stupidly endeared by Even and his way of always being so kind, so considerate, before he replies.

 

_Are you propositioning me my dear Even? Is this how you get all the pretty boys?_

 

Even’s reply comes within seconds as if he’s sitting with the conversation open, waiting for Isak’s texts to arrive.

 

_Are you calling yourself pretty?_

 

Isak scoffs and sidesteps a couple making out in the middle of the sidewalk, seemingly unaware of the people around them and how they might be a safety issue.

 

_What, are you trying to say that you don’t agree?_

 

_Must say i’m offended._

 

Even replies a few seconds later with a series of random emojis and a sheepish ‘ _…no'_ to Isak’s delight. That pushes a small laugh out of Isak as he keeps walking, his eyes trained on the glowing light of his phone, illuminating his face in the dark.

 

They exchange a few more texts back and forth with Even giving him directions to his hall before Isak finds himself outside of Even’s door, knocking lightly. He fidgets with the phone in his hands nervously while he waits for Even to open the door. His ears pick up on a few muffled grunts and the sound of feet hitting carpet before the door swings open and Even greets him with a wide smile on his face.

 

“Isak, hei,” he says excitedly as he opens the door wider and Isak steps inside, giving him a half smile, one of the corners of his mouth tilted up.

 

“Nice place you’ve got here,” Isak says as he takes a few steps inside, his eyes scanning the room.

 

“It’s not much, but we try,” Even says with a nervous chuckle and a shrug of his shoulders. Isak gives him a small smile, his eyes crinkling as Even ducks his head and directs a smile towards the floor.

 

“Um, my roommate’s out, if that’s okay,” Even adds hesitantly a few seconds later, as if he’s asking for permission.

 

“Yeah, it’s no problem. It will probably be easier to work without someone here anyway,” Isak replies, distracted by his surroundings as he walks around the room in a small circle.

 

“Oh, okay, good. Yeah, he’s not around much, really. it’s why I’m almost never here,” Even offers quietly. He’s so direct, so open about his emotions, always voicing what’s on his mind and how it makes him feel and Isak wishes that being around Even didn’t make his heart beat rapidly against his ribcage, didn’t make him as scared as it made him brave.

 

"You don't enjoy the space?" Isak asks, casting Even a small glance with raised eyebrows.

 

"Not really, it’s a bit too quiet for me," Even says and a few beats later Isak swears he can hear him quietly whisper ‘ _gets pretty lonely’_ under his breath.

 

Isak hums, nodding his head as his eyes finally wander around the room properly and pick up on all of its details. It looks a lot like his hall that he shared with Jonas - two beds, each pushed to one side of the wall, two nightstands, two desks and two dressers. It all comes in pairs, designed for two people, for two bodies to fill out the space with bits and pieces of themselves, to mark it up and claim it as their own.

 

The bed, he assumes is Even’s has various posters of movies lining the wall above it, a world map with several post cards pinned to it, and a few black and white polaroids of Even and his friends grinning into the camera. There’s a bunch of books placed on the nightstand, stacked together in a neat pile with a phone placed on top of them. There’s also a framed photo of Even with his arms around a woman and a man, who Isak assumes is his mamma and papa judging by the similar cuts and shapes of their faces to Even’s own, and a few other random things scattered around - stray pens, crumpled papers that are filled with drawings and a pair of tangled headphones.

 

The other wall is empty in comparison to Even’s. There’s nothing but a shitty pop group poster hung on the short side of the wall and the bed is made, a dark blue comforter thrown over it. The nightstand only holds a closed notebook and a pencil, the canvas blank, anonymous, without a story to tell of the person who lives there.

 

“That’s my roommate’s,” Even explains when he catches him staring at the poster with a nod towards the bed and the side of the room Isak's facing.

 

“I must say, Even, he’s got horrible taste,” Isak giggles as he turns around and walks across the room to sit down on Even’s bed. He shuffles so he’s pressed against the wall and pushes his knees up to his chest, draping an arm around them, holding them in place.

 

“I know, I've always considered myself more of a 90’s rap fan, if I’m being honest,” Even replies and joins him on the bed. The bed dips as he sits, making Isak jump slightly. A light laugh bubbles up in his chest at his own surprise, escaping his body before he can control it. Even peaks a glance at him, the corners of his mouth tilting up into a small smile.

 

“Wow, me too,” Isak breaths out which causes Even to possess a sweet looking smile. 

 

“You heard of nas then?” Even asks, sneaking another glance at Isak out of the corner of his eye. He gives Isak a sheepish smile, his lips pursing together when he’s caught and then averts his gaze down to the bed, running his hand in small circles across the bedspread. He tilts his head and a few stray hairs fall into his face, shadowed across his forehead and Isak wishes that he could reach out, brush them aside and place a small kiss on his forehead, that it wouldn’t be weird or cause tension, but they’re just getting to know each other. They’re taking small steps towards a proper friendship, one outside of school, and he doesn’t want to ruin it by moving too fast, by making a sudden move and scaring Even off.

 

“Uh- yeah, they are great,” Isak stutters out the lie quickly but nonetheless he says the statement with a proud hand to his chest. He feels a blush sneaking over his cheeks, painting them a light pink as he ducks his head.

 

“Oh man, you are a shit liar sweetheart,” Even exclaims when he’s met with a blushing red expression on Isak’s face. “It isn't a they it’s a him, and I think you and me should listen to him in the future so that you are more educated on the subject of 90’s rap.” Even smiles brightly causing Isak’s insides to practically melt with fondness even though he has been caught.

 

Isak picks up on his thread of conversation and continues, “Yeah you caught me and I agree we should totally listen to them sometime also Even I will have you know I am the master of lying but you have caught me on this one considering I am giving you a free pass on my skills.”

 

Even laughs beautifully filling up the tiny space of the room, “Sounds great and of course, how could I not know I was talking to someone so skilled.”

 

They then spend a few seconds in content silence, the energy in the room light and without a trace of the heaviness surrounding awkward silences

 

////

 

The books lie abandoned on Even’s desk as they talk about their favorite movies, books, tv shows, and how insufferable early classes can be. They find comfort in sharing stories of their friends, and Isak even tells Even a little bit about how hard it was having to get to know new people once he started university and how all his friends were flourishing, but Isak just stayed within the group of people he already knew. However Isak doesn’t tell Even about how he cried on the floor for a month straight, how he basically had to carry himself to class after class even though he felt like he was being left behind.

 

He’s never really opened up to someone as easily before. Jonas is there through it all and Magnus and Mahdi know bits and pieces about his life that he’s let slip over the years of their friendship, but he’s never let them see the full picture. He figures Magnus and Mahdi know enough, know what questions not to ask and know that Isak isn’t comfortable talking about every concealed emotion in his body.

 

It isn’t until several hours later that Isak says goodbye to Even with a lingering hug and a smile over his shoulder, clutching his books close to his chest. The sound of Even’s laughter rings fresh in his ears as he makes his way home in the dark of the night, the streetlights casting shadows as his feet hit the pavement, matching the beat of his heart.

 


	4. Chapter 4

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> When Isak's shaking, crying and too far gone he’s always choosing Even. He’s saying that even though Even isn’t his, he’s Even’s.

As they spend more and more time together, Isak finds himself noticing small things about Even, cataloguing them, storing them in the back of his mind. Things like the sound of Even’s laughter and how he laughs so deeply, so bright that his entire body shakes in tune to it, how he takes his tea, how he still claims High School Musical is a cinematic masterpiece and how he always smells of vanilla and cinnamon.

 

Isak notices the smaller things too, the ones that go unnoticed to most eyes. Like how Even will slightly twitch when he’s asked an uncomfortable question, one he doesn’t seem to have a rehearsed answer to, one that’s maybe too personal for the early stages of whatever they are at the moment. He notices the way Even blushes and flutters his eyes closed when complimented on something he’s proud of, and the way his mind seems to drift off to unknown places when he talks about the world and it’s most complicated parts, always in vague, soft question marks that trace each word.

 

////

 

It’s late. The only light in his room is coming from the clock on his nightstand displaying the numbers 03:42. The glowing light fills the corners of his eyes, making the backs of his eyelids shine a light blue, bordering on white. The curtains are drawn, blocking out the fluttering colors coming from outside, from the passing cars and streetlights. It’s just him and the darkness, his darkness. He knows he should be asleep with having classes in the morning but it’s like something has been switched on inside his brain, making it impossible for him to settle down and drift away, to let sleep take him under.

 

Everything’s shit. Again. Isak can feel everything he’s worked so hard to build up falling apart one bit at a time and it scares him. It scares him how easily he gives in to the pain, how easy it is to ignore that in the past few months he’s felt almost happy, just so he can feel that stabbing ache in his chest again. How he almost longs for it, seeks it out to give him some twisted sense of comfort. Somewhere in the back of his mind there’s a rational voice telling him that he shouldn’t give in, shouldn’t let it consume him again, but he can’t find the strength on his own to shut it out, to tell it that it’s wrong.

 

He clutches his blanket closer, dragging it up so it’s pulled over his head and he sinks deeper into the pillows that he’s got lined up on the bed. He tries to make himself relax and concentrate on falling asleep, on letting his body sag and mold itself against the bed, but knows deep down that he won’t be getting any sleep tonight. He’s spent too many nights like this to know the drill by now. No matter how much he tries to ignore the emptiness filling out every inch of his body, taking it over bit by bit, it’s not going away. It’s taking root, clinging itself to his bones, making it impossible to remove, making it impossible for him to fall asleep.

 

Instead of sleeping, he pulls his knees up to his chest and wraps his arms around them as he drags them closer to his body. He lets his head fall on top of them and pushes into his forehead until he can feel the slightest bit of pain, a faint bruise being made. His breathing turns shaky and he can feel his body growing tense, more panicked by every passing moment. In the quiet room, his shaky breaths seem loud and impossible to escape.

 

It’s all so fucked and he really doesn’t know how to escape it anymore, how to keep running, how to keep pretending he’s fine for the benefit of others, for the simplicity of not having to answer questions.

 

He wants to go to bed and sleep for a trillion years because in his dreams he feels the most content, the most at ease. Where he lets his body relax entirely and drift into a state of total bliss. Where he can escape the looks and the words that go unspoken, the stabbing ache in his chest that at the best of times get replaced by the empty and numb feeling of his bones. A place where he can just let his body drift away and separate itself from the mess that is his mind, the messes untangling themselves and growing blurry as he lets his body go further and further.

 

“Fuck,” he whispers, barely audible, into the quiet of his empty bedroom.

 

////

 

Isak can feel his skin itching, trying to break itself into a million molecules, pushing and pulling at him, asking, begging for permission to free the beating emotions hidden within his skin.

 

He doesn't know where it came from, all he knows is the feeling of sadness, of anxiety is pooling in the pit of his stomach, slowly seeping its way through his body and rushing over him like a tidal wave. It’s so unannounced that he doesn’t know what to do with it, doesn’t know how to deal with it and just lets it wash over him. It consumes his body and his mind, and he feels himself slowly give in.

 

Isak’s never been good at taking the rational route, letting logic steer his decisions. His feelings always have a hold of him, they’ve got him twisting and turning with every emotion that enters his body, to the point where it’s all consuming. He doesn’t know how to feel less of what he is feeling right now, how to make his body shut the emotions out so they don’t cloud his judgement and darken his vision. Doesn’t know how to not feel.

 

////

 

He agrees to go out with the boys and some random people one night. It’s a spur of the moment get to together, thrown by one of the guys in Jonas’ economy class. Isak doesn’t really know many of the people going but agrees to go nonetheless. School is taking its toll on him and he figures he could really use a night out. He hasn’t had more than a casual beer in front of the tv for while and he needs the release that drinking, of being drunk, gives him. The feeling of letting himself go entirely, of giving up control of his mind and body, of letting things happen on their own, be it good or bad.

 

He aimlessly takes part in a conversation with Magnus and some guy as they make their way to the pub, chiming in every now and then, not really bothering or trying too much. The night’s dark, streetlights casting shadows as they walk down the sidewalk. The rain is creating an echo as it falls against the pavement, colliding with the sounds of their feet as they crash against the ground in uneven beats. They walk in a big group with Isak stuck in the back, bodies painted yellow by the flickering lights, strokes of silver clashing against the darkness. He watches as the others walk in clusters around him, separating themselves into pairs as the time passes. There isn’t really that many of them, but there’s still a faint drumming of anxiety in his head that cascades down into his veins. The only thing calming him down is the thought that soon he’ll replace that faint drumming with the buzz of alcohol running through his veins instead.

 

When they reach the bar there are already a few people huddled outside, ignoring the falling rain. Some of the people stop and hug them, greet them, shake their hands and wrap them up in warm hugs. The rest of the group gives nods and pile up as they squeeze through the door and into the heat of the bar, leaving the dark of the night behind as the door closes after them.

 

It’s fairly full despite it being a school night, Isak recognizing a few people from his classes and the halls at school. They’re all seated at round tables or in the booths lining the walls. There’s a few people sitting on the stools by the bar, playing around on their phones or scanning the room for potential hook ups. The music is playing softly in the background with raspy vocals and strumming guitar strings. It strikes Isak, the way it’s so different from how it usually is when they stop here on the weekends. It’s usually loud, loud music with the bass vibrating against their chests and filled with the chatter of people, nothing like the quiet air filling up the room tonight.

 

Jonas bumps their shoulders together as he passes and gives Isak a small smile, nodding in the direction of an occupied booth in the right corner. The rest of the boys are already heading over and taking their seats around the table, laughing and shouting at each other as they try to squeeze all of them in. Isak gives him a nod in return and follows his lead, trailing along behind as they weave their way through the room.

 

He ends up on the far left next to a cute guy he’s briefly talked to during a few parties. His name is Erik and he’s nice. He laughs at all of Isak’s jokes and pays attention to his stories. He’s sweet and doesn’t ask too many questions, doesn’t push it when Isak pretends to fiddle with his phone when something he says strikes a bit too close to the core and leaves him flustered in its place.

 

As the hours pass, he ends up drinking a lot, he downs beer after beer in his attempt to pretend as if the anxiety behind his bones isn’t still there, to keep thoughts of perfectly styled blond hair and soft voices out of his head. He turns to Erik, lets him serve as a distraction and flashes him a big grin, laughing at something he says, pushing everything to the back of his mind. Erik gives him a smile in return and his cheeks turn a flushed pink, visible despite the dim lighting of the bar. As he continues with his story, he keeps sneaking glances at Isak through his eyelashes and fiddling with the handmade bracelet around his wrist.

 

Isak knows Erik is obviously flirting with him by the way he lets his fingers brush against Isak’s own for a beat too long when he hands him his beer, squeezes his wrist when Isak gets startled by the sudden movement in the small booth, and keeps flashing him wide smiles. He keeps touching him through trailing fingertips and giving him long stares laced with lust. And he knows Erik is hot and probably up for a quick blowjob in the bathroom but his mind is stuck on a loop of EvenEvenEven, making it so much more obvious through every lingering touch or stare that Erik isn’t Even and never will be.

 

////

 

After a few hours in Isak’s got a good amount of alcohol in his system and has himself plastered against Erik’s side, his body producing words that he isn’t registering. He can hear his voice babbling on about the way Magnus’ snores are loud enough to wake the entire building and he feels a laugh bubbling in his stomach. Erik looks over at him when he starts laughing hysterically but doesn’t comment on it, just gives a small laugh and knocks his knee against Isak’s underneath the table. Isak stops abruptly at the movement and furrows his brow as he looks down on where their knees are touching, achingly aware of how there isn’t any sparks or burning flames lingering on his skin from the contact.

 

“You okay,” Erik mumbles, tapping at Isak’s thigh with two fingers. Isak perks his head up, meeting his stare for a beat before pushing the corners of his mouth up into a harsh, tightlipped smile.

 

“Yeah, I’m fine,” Isak replies and gives another laugh just to see the momentary confusion washed over Erik’s face disappear. They quickly move onto another topic and Isak scoots closer, burrowing his head into Erik’s shoulder. He listens to him talk and ignores the way he smells like lemon and cheap body wash and nothing like cinnamon and vanilla.

 

////

 

“You are so nice, Erik,” Isak mumbles a few hours later. “Erik, Eriiikk ,” he tastes the name on his tongue, but it doesn’t sound right. It’s too harsh. It doesn’t give him a warm, content feeling, just all sharp edges instead of soft corners.

 

“Yeah, that’s me,” Erik says with a small laugh as his shoulders shake, startling Isak. He grumbles and glares at him through his alcohol induced vision. The room’s gone a bit blurry, spinning in circles that are too fast for the slow pace of their conversation.

 

“You’re hair’s doing that loopy flop thing, you know the-” he stops and makes a spinning gesture, twisting his wrist in circles and points to the fallen hair on Erik’s head with a laugh, his eyes squinting through the flickering lights and the blurry corners of his vision.

 

“It’s all funny, looks a bit sad.” He tilts his head to the side, inspecting his hair and thinks about how it’s too dark, how it’s too dark against the dim lighting, how it doesn’t fit into the image of beautiful, blond hair he’s got stored in his mind. How the contrast against dark and light is too sharp, feels too out of place.

 

“It’s just so dark- like wet dirt, too dark, hurts my brain,” he mumbles, his thoughts a string of words slotting together in the wrong order, making it all confusing and hard to figure out.

 

“It is hurting me Eri -” he stops as it it suddenly hits him where he is - next to Erik, at the bar and how he can’t do this anymore. He can’t force laughter and smiles with Erik and lead him on when his mind is filled with thoughts of kissing Even, his smell and the color of his hair, everything leading back to him somehow.

 

“ You are not Even,” he says, staring into Erik’s eyes that lack the vibrant blue he’s become so accustomed to. “Even, Ev- where’s he- Jonas, Jonas.” His words come out too loud, making him flinch as he spins around fast in his seat, making grabby hands at Jonas who’s sitting on the other side of the booth. “Jo. ”

 

Jonas looks up from where he’d been typing out a text to meet Isak’s panicked stare, his eyes darting to where Isak’s plastered against Erik’s side, jumping from body part to body part. “Iss, what’s wrong, you alright?” he asks in the soft tone his voice gets when he’s worried, his brows furrowing.

 

“Even, Even, I’ve got- gotta see him, Jo,” Isak says, nodding his head, his eyes wide and serious. It makes perfect sense in his mind that Jonas would know where Even is. Jonas and Even have met a few times when Even had come over to Isak and the boy’s place to pick Isak up so that they could walk to school together, Jonas can help him. Isak has this sharp need to see Even, be around him, have them breathe the same air and get trapped inside their own world, their own bubble. Jonas, however, looks confused for a moment before his face softens and he sends Isak a warm look, his eyes suddenly filled with a lingering look of sympathy.

 

Jonas mumbles something to the guy on his left as he slides out of the booth and walks over to where Isak’s sat. Erik goes to stand up but Isak grabs a hold of his sleeve, tugging him down.

 

“No, don’t leave. Bring me Even, please Erik,” he pleads, staring intently at Erik, who meets his eyes for a beat before flicking his stare down at the table, a flash of sadness passing through it for a fleeting moment. “I’m sorry, Isak,” is all he says as he goes to stand up

 

That’s all he remembers before Jonas is hoisting him up against his side and walking them out of the bar. He doesn’t remember moving, just remembers small bits and flashes. He remembers the dark engulfing them as they step outside, the rain splattering against their heads, making his hair stick to his forehead, wet and heavy. Remembers talking about blue eyes and blonde hair in soft mumbles, Jonas whispering small words into his ear as they stumble down the street. He remembers hugging Jonas tightly and whispering a quiet _Even_ into the leather of his jacket. Remembers it all as blurry and spinning, spinning, spinning.

 

He doesn’t know how he ends up in front of Even’s door (possibly Sana telling Jonas where to go?) but he’s got his body leaning against Jonas, his cheeks sticky from tears he doesn’t remember crying. Jonas knocks softly once, twice on the door before it creaks open slowly to reveal Even. He’s in a pair of soft sweatpants and a white t-shirt that’s wrinkled and riding up on one of the sides, revealing a flash of porcelain skin that Isak aches to reach out and touch, drag his fingers across in slow movements.

 

“What’s happening, Jonas? Iss? Why’re you here, it’s the middle of the night,” he grumbles quietly as he runs a hand through his unruly hair, his eyes hooded and worried.

 

Isak keeps staring at Even while Jonas speaks next to him, the words passing by him in tune to the spinning world around him. Eventually Jonas stops speaking and Even gives a small nod. He shuffles forward and untangles Isak from Jonas’ side, pressing him close to his own. Isak leans his head on Even’s shoulder, burrowing his head into the soft fabric of his shirt and letting the familiar scent fill him up. Even mumbles something to Jonas before turning back to Isak and pressing a gentle kiss to his hair.

 

“C’mon, Iss, it’s alright, I’ve got you,” he whispers and wraps an arm around Isak’s waist, walking them into the quiet room. Isak melts into his side, feels their bodies slotting into place, becoming one. He hums out a reply and shuts his eyes, letting Even lead him.

 

They trudge over to Even’s bed, Even letting go of Isak for a moment and causing him to let out a small whine from the back of his throat. Even looks at Isak from where he’s bent over the bed, rearranging the pillows to make space for another body and shoots him a small smile over his shoulder. He straightens and walks over to him, wrapping arms around his waist in a bone crushing hug. Isak leans his head against his shoulder, fisting his hand into Even’s shirt. Even brings a hand up to brush the curls out of his eyes, the movement gentle, his fingers leaving ghost touches in their place. Isak feels the anxiety slowly seep its way out of his bones, his body going lax and pliant instead. His shoulders sag and he lets out a shaky breath that rings loud to his own ears. Even trails his fingers up his spine to the junction of his neck, placing his hand there and tugging at the hairs of his nape. Isak removes his head from Even’s chest and looks up at him, their eyes staying locked for a moment.

 

Even thumbs under Isak’s eyes, over his tear-stained cheeks, over the sharp bone of his nose and down to his lips. He traces Isak’s lips with his thumb, his eyes tracking the movement and the only thought stuck in Isak’s mind is the one of how much he wants to kiss Even and feel their lips slot together, of what he tastes like, of how it’d feel.

 

“Let’s go to bed,” Even mumbles at last. He searches Isak’s face before settling on his eyes, one of the corners of his mouth tilting up into a smile.

 

Isak nods in response and Even brushes a soft kiss to his forehead, dropping his hand to wrap it around Isak’s shoulders, pressing him into his side. He gives Isak a light squeeze before removing his hand to to pull the covers away, letting Isak stumble into bed. Isak let’s out a content noise in the back of his throat once his head hits the pillow and he melts into it. He can hear Even shuffling around the room for a few more minutes, making sure the door's locked before he climbs into bed as well and pulls the covers up over them, trapping the heat underneath. He seems to hesitate for a beat, his body tensing up before he shuffles forward on the small bed and wraps Isak up in his arms. Isak’s body reacts instantly, curling itself around Even’s, their limbs tangling together.

 

“You’re so good to me, Even, too good, always the best, the bestest ,” Isak mumbles, his mind still drunk, into Even’s shirt where he’s got his head pressed against his chest, the slow beat of Even’s heart right underneath his ear.

 

“Love you so much, so, so much, you’re the best, love you so,” he mumbles as he let’s his eyes flutter closed and tightens his grip on Even’s waist, pushing their bodies closer together.

 

Even lets out a slow and shaky breath, the air ruffling a few strands of Isak’s hair before leaning down to press a series of small kisses to Isak’s cheek, eliciting a light giggle from him.

 

“Sorry,” Even mumbles with a smile in his voice, pressing a final kiss to Isak’s cheek. Isak’s skin sending sparks of flame from where the feeling lingers. “Love you too, Iss,” he says before they both let their breaths even out and fall asleep, wrapped tightly around each other.

 

////

Isak ends up skipping the next day and sleeping, letting his hangover fade away with each passing hour. He turns his phone off after one too many missed calls, not wanting to bear the weight of his guilty conscious when he leaves them unanswered. Instead he finds comfort in the warmth of the sheets and burrows his head into the pillow, squeezing his eyes shut and trapping the bad thoughts inside his head, not wanting them to escape and spread through his body.

 

The memory of waking up in an empty bed with a drawing placed directly beside Isak. The drawing was of Isak sleeping with the words, _good morning Iss i'm off to class see you later xx_ scribbled down in Even’s messy scrawl with a small smiley face. Isak had smiled through the jabbing pain and folded the drawing, sticking it into the pocket of his jeans which were still on from the previous night. He’d stayed in bed for a while after that, memories lingering of soft words whispered between their bodies, a spinning world and his brain stuck on a loop of EvenEvenEven as he watched him in the dark through hazy eyes. But the only thought sticking in his mind was the one of kissing Even, tasting him on his tongue, and the way he’d feel with his mouth against Isak’s.

 

////

 

Isak’s awoken a few hours later by the screeching sound of the doorbell. It rings clear in the quiet of the apartment, making its way into Isak’s cocoon of comfort and peace.

 

Isak ignores it at first figuring it’s Magnus or Jonas considering Mahdi is smart enough not to forget his keys, and either one is probably too lazy to look for their keys in their bags, but after the fourth or fifth buzz he gives in. He pulls the covers away and topples out of bed, wearing an oversized knit sweater and a pair of shorts he grew too tall for about four years ago.

 

Isak pulls the sleeves of his sweater down over his knuckles and hunches his shoulders, trying to savor the warmth. As he pads to the door, he lets out a small yawn and brings a fist up to rub the sleep out of his eyes.

 

When he opens the door he’s surprised to find Even on the other side. He looks out of place in Isak’s hallway, outside the brick walls of school. He’s got a plastic bag in one of his hands and the other one up by his neck, scratching at it sheepishly. He looks up quickly and meets Isak’s stare. The eyes that meet his look a bit scared, almost as if Even regrets being there.

 

“Even, halla,” Isak greets, leaning against the door frame and crossing his arms over his chest.

 

“Uhm, halla, hei,” Even replies quickly. He’s a bit flustered, his eyes opened wide, making the blue fade in the dim light of the hallway. He’s chewing on his bottom lip, making the words come out a bit muffled.

 

“What’s up, Ev,” Isak asks carefully, still unsure where they stand after last night. He remembers bits and pieces but it’s mainly a blur if he’s being honest.

 

“Oh, nothing really. How’s your head?” Even asks, his cheeks turning a light shade of pink.

 

Isak hurries to give him a warm smile before replying, “It’s had worse days, I guess,” at which Even gives out a breathy laugh and his shoulders sag a bit with relief.

 

“You wanna come in or do you prefer it out there in the hallway,” Isak asks as he pushes away from the wall and opens the door further so Even can step inside. He turns around and walks into the apartment without waiting to see if Even follows him. He feels like he has the upper hand somehow, even though being around Even scares him. He’s got so many sides to him and Isak never knows what to expect. Is he gonna be an excited puppy with his glowing eyes and wide smile, a confident god with his smug smirk and wisdom filled words or as he is today, nervous, soft and pliant, seemingly out of his element.

 

Even says a quiet thank you as he follows Isak into his apartment and shuts the door behind him. He goes to remove his beanie, his blonde locks springing free. They’re tousled, sticking up in every direction and Even runs a hand through them, making them stand up on the top of his head in a beautiful way. He kicks off his boots, still damp from the walk over and shucks his jacket. He hangs it on the hanger before turning to Isak for the first time since they walked in.

 

They stand quietly in the small hallway, one or two steps between them, just looking at one another. The room is quiet, the only sound coming from the wind outside, rattling the balcony door. The space between them feels like it’s stretching on for days and days, separating the two of them and leaving them both on different sides. It’s so different from when they’re in school because there they’re surrounded by the loud chatter of other students, their voices filling out the classrooms and hallways, never leaving them this exposed. Even in Even’s dorm there’s a different kind of air surrounding them, one less charged with the tension of last night hanging between them. The silence rings loud between them, punching at Isak’s chest, making him feel the anxiety stretching itself through his body.

 

“Iss, I’m sor-” Even starts, breaking the silence, but Isak quickly cuts him off with a hand in the air and a shy smile to match.

 

“Hey, it’s alright, there’s nothing to apologize for,” Isak says, watching relief wash over Even. “I should be the one apologizing really. I made a real fool of myself,” he says with a tilt to his head and a laugh that feels a bit too forced.

 

“It’s not like I really remember that much, but I usually get a bit, uh, talkative and stuff after a few drinks,” he tacks on with a smirk. Even laughs and nods, accepting Isak’s lie. Because of course Isak remembers. How could he forget that every time he’s in the same room as Even it all just seems to slow down to a halt, every detail of it all etching itself onto Isak’s memory.

 

“Uhm, so I hope it’s alright that I’m here,” Even says, leaving the sentence open, making it into a question. His voice comes out slow and raspy, almost hesitant, like he’s afraid he’s overstepping something with his presence.

 

“Of course it is,” Isak says as he turns and walks towards the open living room. “So, why are you? Here, it is,” he asks, quietly scolding himself for his inability to create proper sentences in Even’s presence. He wonders if that’s something that’s ever gonna go away, if the whirlwind of emotions inside of him whenever he’s around Even will ever settle down.

 

“Oh, uhm, yeah, you weren’t in class and you weren’t answering your phone, so,” Even replies from where he’s following behind Isak. The words _I came to check up on you_ go unsaid but are left hanging in the air, both of them picking up on them.

 

Isak turns to sit down on the couch, crossing his legs and looking up at Even who’s still left standing by the edge of it. “What are you doing, c’mon, sit down,” Isak says with an amused smile, tugging on his lips as he taps the cushion next to him and beckoning Even over.

 

Even gives him a small smile in return, he puts his bag on the coffee table and goes to sit next to Isak. As he falls back against the cushions, the tension in his shoulders seems to fade away a bit. He lets out a quiet, content noise in the back of his throat and flicks his eyes over to look at Isak, who’s sitting on his left.

 

“So, what’s in the bag,” Isak asks, raising an eyebrow at Even and looking at the plastic bag out of the corner of his eye.

 

“Oh, right,” Even says, sitting upright again. “Okay, well, I figured you were probably really hungover or you know, needed cheering up, so I made these banana chocolate cupcakes and brought a bunch of Baz Luhrmann movies over. I figured we could have a marathon or something, “ Even finishes. His eyes have gone from the fading blue to a radiating, light one as he’s been speaking. Isak can tell he’s excited and a bit nervous because he’s fidgeting with his hands in his lap.

 

“No homework then? You haven’t gotten a biology book stashed in that bag of yours? Biology topics sprinkled all over the cupcakes?” Isak teases, waggling his eyebrows at Even. He lets out a loud barking laugh in response, clasping his hand over his mouth when he realizes what he’s done and Isak chuckles at him.

 

“Well, I mean, I did bring a flash drive,” Even says sheepishly, ducking his head as he fishes one out of the pocket of his jeans. “But you know, just because you missed class and stuff,” he tacks on as an afterthought.

 

“Thank you for helping me Ev, but if you don’t mind I’d rather not study,” Isak says, shutting him up and turning his face into a grimace and sticking his tongue out at Even. He laughs and nods in response, the smile still stuck on his lips.

 

Isak nudges his thigh with his bare toes and gives Even a warm smile in reassurance. “But about the movie stuff, that sounds great, Even.” _Thank you for caring. Thank you for sticking around._ “Let’s get to it, yeah.”

 

////

 

Thirty minutes later they find themselves perched on one end each of the couch, both of them facing the tv where the first movie Even brought is playing. The movie has just begun and it’s still a bit awkward, the tension laced through the air they both breathe, but it’s more relaxed like this, neither of them feeling the need to talk for things to keep happening, for the situation to keep evolving.

 

As the movie progresses Isak finds himself inching closer and closer towards the middle of the couch and he can feel Even doing the same with every dip and rustle of movement. When he catches Even staring at his profile out of the corner of his eye he pretends he doesn’t, just like he pretends to not notice when Even slides further down the middle to grab a cupcake that’s entirely within his reach or how sometimes Even stops talking mid sentence, just as he trusts Even to pretend he doesn’t notice when he does the same things in return. It’s a weird game they’re playing, of back and forth, of tiptoeing around each other, neither of them wanting to break this unspoken bond of something that they have.

 

They’re halfway through the movie when Magnus comes home. He yanks the door open, dropping the keys in the bowl and kicks his sneakers off, seemingly making as much noise as possible.

 

“Even oh my gosh hey,” he greets them, taking large steps into the living room, the floorboards creaking underneath him.

 

Needless to say Even and Magnus have met before and Magnus loves Even.

 

“Magnus,” Isak greets him coldly, secretly hating him for interrupting whatever this was supposed to be. A date, friends hanging out? He wishes he knew.

 

Isak turns to flash him a tightlipped smile that he tries his best to make convey I _’m sorry for my idiot roommate and I really like you, please don’t leave._

 

“Oh , I am so glad you are here,” Magnus says excitedly bouncing up and down.

 

“Magnus,” Isak hisses, raising his eyebrows, darting his eyes back and forth in Even’s direction, trying to make him shut up. “Don’t you have places to be, people to meet, food to eat or something.”

 

“Nah, I’m all good,” Magnus replies, unfazed, as he comes up to them and squeezes in next to Isak on the tiny couch, making Isak end up sandwiched between him and Even.

 

“Romeo and Juliet, sick. My favorite!” Magnus says, an excited tone to his voice. “And cupcakes !” he exclaims, grabbing one.

 

“Is he always so, happy,” Even asks in a hushed whisper, crouching the slightest bit to whisper in Isak’s ear. He keeps his mouth there, his breathing ringing clear, the puffs of air tickling him and sending shivers down his spine.

 

They’re so close, is the thing. Their bodies pressed together from shoulder to feet, small sparks of energy flitting from where they're stuck in between. The air is heavy with unresolved tension from earlier, the closeness making it hard for Isak to breathe.

 

“Yeah,” Isak replies, mentally shaking himself and he cranes his neck slightly to meet Even’s wondering stare. When he turns he realizes just how close they really are. Even’s lips are right in front of his and he can’t help but trail his gaze down to stare at them. They’re a dark shade of pink, slightly chapped from the cold and once again he finds himself wondering what they’d taste pressed against his own.

 

His thoughts are interrupted by Magnus moving about on the couch next to him, startling Isak out of his trance. He flinches and ducks his head, avoiding Even’s look as he plays with the hem of his sweater before flicking his head up to continue watching the movie, pretending he doesn’t notice Even’s lingering stare, his eyes searching for Isak’s.

 

////

 

The memory of that night lives on in both of their minds, two different stories being kept apart. They don’t really talk about it. They go on as if nothing happened, not really ignoring it, just dancing around it, neither of them bringing it up on their own. It lingers in the back of Isak’s mind, blurry memories he tries his best to untangle from the haze surrounding them. He knows it was big, that him coming to Even in such a vulnerable state, intentionally choosing Even is a big thing. That even when he’s shaking, crying and too far gone he’s always choosing Even. He’s saying that even though Even isn’t his, he’s Even’s.


	5. Chapter 5

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Isak goes through too much weed. All the while trying his best not to fixate on the giant Even shaped hole in his life.

A few days after that awkward event with Magnus something seems to loosen between the two of them. It’s like something suddenly snaps into place as both of them start accepting this newfound side of their friendship that comes with being more comfortable in each others presence, more affectionate through casual touches and less thought out words. There isn’t the stiffness floating around from the first weeks, now it’s all carefree laughter and banter. With every passing motion or word it’s as if there’s a small sound of click click click in the background, everything coming together while still painfully creeping on the edge of something more.

////

It’s Thursday and Isak’s last class has just finished for the day. It’s been a long day with boring classes and there’s nothing Isak wants more than to go home and take a nap at this point. He quickly collects his books and pushes his way through the crowd of students, not wanting to spend anymore time in the room than he has to. He drags himself out of the classroom, through the door and into the hall to an awaiting Even. He’d texted Isak earlier, wanting to spend some time together since they’d both been busy all week and Isak had given in after reading the first word. Who was he to tell Even no to that request, really.

“Halla, sunshine,” Even greets when Isak walks over to where he’s stood, leaning against the wall opposite the classroom, a messenger bag slung over his shoulder with a few text books peaking out of it.

“Hei,” Isak slowly says out in response and gives Even a fatigued smile. “I’m a bit tired,” he explains to Even who nods and opens his arms in response.

“Come here then,” he says as Isak steps forward and let’s Even’s arms wrap him up in a warm hug. Isak links his arms around his lower back and buries his head in the crook of Even’s neck. He whispers a quiet, muffled thank you into Even’s skin and smiles to himself. He thinks he can hear Even whisper _anything for you_ before he presses a light kiss to his temple and unwraps his arms. Isak does the same and takes a step back, looking up at Even’s face. He’s got a beaming smile plastered across it and his eyes are glowing as he meets Isak’s stare.

“Alright then, let’s go, I’d rather not spend anymore time here,” Isak says as he rolls his eyes fondly at Even, who laughs in response.

“Whatever you say, Iss,” Even replies and bumps their hips together as they start walking down the hall.

They fall into step easily as they keep walking and chat lazily about their separate days. Even’s telling him excitedly about his film classes, explaining them in great detail. Everything from how he likes his teachers and the other students to the things they discuss in class. He lights up at every new thing he remembers, his skin practically radiating with every word he speaks.  
He’s so stunningly beautiful like this, with the soft light shining through the windows and framing his profile from the glowing blonde hair around his ear to the light stubble casting shadows around his jaw. Every now and then he’ll turn to Isak mid story and catch him staring at which Isak just hurries to look down at his hands until Even turns back around, continuing his story with a smile on his lips.

They’re almost at the end of the hall and close to the exit when they round the last corner and Isak finds himself face to face with Erik. The Erik who he almost hooked up with. The Erik who was flirting with him all night. The Erik who he told he wasn’t Even. _Erik_.

Isak stops in his tracks, Erik doing the same in front of him. Their eyes lock for a brief moment, a small storm playing out between them, Isak being unable to tell what Erik’s eyes speak, what they want to tell him, what words they hold.

"Um, Isak, hei," Erik finally speaks up, his eyes still staring deep into Isak’s own, not budging

Isak offers him a weak wave in response and a tight smile before he replies with a "Erik, halla, nice to see you." He casts a glance at Even out of the corner of his eye who’s stopped as well, his story interrupted abruptly by them running into Erik.

"You too," Erik says, following Isak’s line of vision to Even, looking over at him, his eyes narrowing in curiosity.

“Well who’s this?” Erik asks, a small bit of resentment in his voice that doesn’t match with the version of him Isak has painted in his memory. He gives Even an obvious once over, a smirk tilting the corners of his lips upwards. “I don’t believe we’ve met.”

"No, I don’t think so. Halla, I’m Even" he says with a wide grin, painfully oblivious to the tension hanging in the air between the three of them. "Nice to meet you," he says and offers a hand for Erik to shake. Erik does so reluctantly, removing his hand a bit too fast, but Even continues to smile even after their hands part.  
"Oh, _Even_ ," Erik says with a smirk and a glance in Isak’s direction, nothing subtle about it. Even’s eyebrows twitch slightly but he doesn’t say anything, just nods and keeps on smiling.

"Yeah, that’s him and, um, we really should get going,” Isak rushes out, his eyes shooting back and forth between Even and Erik who are still watching one another, a silent battle being fought.

“Already,” Erik asks sarcastically, his brows furrowed and eyes never leaving Even, even when his words are directed at Isak.

“Um yeah, you know, classes to take, knowledge to, um, learn and all of that," Isak says with a quick motion of his hand as he grips Even’s arm and pushes him forward.

He manages to drag them the last stretch down the hall before they make it to the entrance doors. He let’s go of his tight grip around Even’s arm and places a hand on his lower back as they push through to outside. They’re met with a rush of cold air, punching against their face. It rattles the trees around them, the leaves long gone, and curls around their bodies, wrapping them up in its cold.

“I am so sorry about that,” Isak says shyly as he crosses his arms over his chest, dragging his jacket closer to his body to protect himself from the harsh wind.

"So, how do you know him?" Even asks hesitantly, casting a look at Isak as they make their way down the steps of the building and start off down the thin path.

"Oh, um, it’s not really important," Isak brushes off, staring ahead. He doesn’t want to get into it and have to explain the details of that night, doesn’t want to drag the memories back and revise them once again. It’s easier if they just let it go, as they have in the past.

"Iss, come on," Even groans from beside him and Isak casts a glance in his direction only to be met with a pair of pleading eyes and Even slightly pouting. “Please, I’m not stupid, I know it’s something, I just-” he tacks on before he breaks off and turns around, confused with his own words.

Isak watches Even’s profile as they continue walking, the thoughts spinning in his head, making up combinations and rejecting them at a rapid pace. He continues watching the soft turned sharp features of Even face and gives in. He figures he can’t avoid the subject forever and he knows keeping it from Even would cause him to inevitably hurt him.

"Right, so,” he starts at which Even’s head snaps up and turns to look at him. _Here we go_ , Isak thinks. “Well, remember the night I came to yours with Jonas," Isak rushes out in a blur, exhaling a deep breath. He stops to look at Even who’s got a confused look on his face before recognition sparks in his eyes and he widens them, his mouth falling open before he quickly shuts it.

"So, I was kinda hanging out with Erik at a bar before, it was just us and a few other guys. Jonas and some more and well, yeah," he trails off not wanting to go into more detail about the night. They both know which one he’s talking about anyway, without him having to add to it. Even’s eyes go through a thousand emotions in the second Isak keeps his eyes locked on his before he shies away from his gaze and stares down at his feet as the pebbles crunch underneath them.

"Oh, so you were hanging out then, as friends or?" Even asks, a nervousness laced in his voice that wasn’t there minutes ago. Isak doesn’t have to look at him to know that he’s playing with his bottom lip as he always does when he’s pondering something, awaiting a reply.

"Oh, well, I’m not really friends with any of them but, er, no. Erik was kinda hitting on me?" Isak says questioningly, pushing his lips into a thin line and scratching lightly at his nose. He still isn’t looking at Even but he can feel him tense up next to him for a second before his body goes lax.

"Oh," Even says, the word sharp and falling flat between the growing space between the two of them. He looks away from Isak to stare blankly ahead of them as they walk on down the path. Neither of them speak after that, the only sound is the one of their shoes hitting the pebbles and the rustle of the wind. The silence rings loud and clear between them, speaking of a newfound distance.

////

Even disappears for a few days after their encounter with Erik. He stops replying to Isak’s texts and calls, giving in on the third day to say that he has a big project to work on. Isak can tell something is off, but he doesn’t want to dwell on it so he stores it in the back of his mind, ignoring the thought for the time being. He goes on with his days, plays Fifa with Magnus, does some of his homework but still rarely any, sleeps a lot, attends his classes and goes through too much weed. All the while trying his best to not fixate on the giant Even shaped hole in his life.

When Even finally returns there is something different, something that wasn’t there before. Isak can’t put his finger on it, but something about Even doesn’t shine quite as bright as it did before. He acts weird but not in the painfully obvious way, more in a subtle one, not there unless you’re looking for it. Sometimes he hesitates for a brief second before wrapping his arms around Isak’s waist, darts his eyes around the room to make sure they’re never alone for too long and makes up poor excuses when Isak asks him to hang out just the two of them.

Isak knows Even’s avoiding him and it really fucking hurts, because even though Isak has known Jonas, Magnus and Mahdi the longest, he’s grown close to Even in a really short period of time and thinks of Even as a category of his own. Because the two of them are different, they just work better around each other, with each other and its like they recharge off of being around one another. As if they need the other one to breathe and see things clearly, to make it through their own silent battles. Isak’s never been this dependent on another person before and it scares him to tears spilled on pillows and lungs too small to be filled with air. He’s terrified but he needs Even too much to let him go, to stop fighting against everything that’s telling him to run, to break himself free.

////

A few weeks later all of them, are hanging out in their apartment, watching a movie. Isak and Jonas are snuggled together on the couch with Even on the other end, clutching a pillow to his chest and slouched down, his feet propped up on the coffee table. Magnus and Mahdi are sat on the floor, a bed of pillows around them after a pillow war broke out between the five of them earlier in the night. It’d been Isak and Jonas against Magnus, Mahdi and Even. Which was unfair if you ask Isak. Isak had tried his best to ignore them breaking the normal formation of him and Even against the rest, even though Even avoiding him had never been clearer than when he was hitting Even with pillow after pillow and had to watch him shy away, turn his entire body towards someone else, ignoring every attempt Isak made at getting close.

They’ve been watching the movie for a while now, the end slowly, but surely creeping up on them and there’s a tiredness to the air, a hint of exhaustion from a long week of classes and exams taken. Isak's got himself tucked into the crook of Jonas’ arm, nuzzled into the warm fabric of his sweater. Jonas has got one of his hands in Isak’s hair, gently massaging his scalp while the other one is draped over the armrest of the couch. He’s got his face pressed close to Isak’s, making low commentary into his ear while they watch the movie. Isak whispering his own words back at him, just like they did when they were younger and would watch movies at Jonas’ house with his sisters and didn’t want them to hear what they were saying. Isak laughs loudly and slaps a hand over his mouth, muffling the noises he’s making. From the corner of his eye he sees Even turn his head to look at them, his stare burning so intense it leaves marks against Isak’s skin.

Halfway through the movie Magnus starts yawning loudly, a series of dragged out sounds coming in short bursts. He slumps backwards, further into the cushion he’s got placed on the floor, his head lolling back on the couch. Isak flicks his eyes away from the screen and looks down at him, meeting his stare. Magnus sticks his tongue out at him at which Isak does the same and Magnus cackles in response.

 

"You tired, Mags," Jonas asks from besides Isak, nudging lightly at Magnus’ shoulder with one of his sock covered feet. Magnus grabs his foot, causing Jonas to yelp and startle both him and Isak from where he’s wrapped around him. Isak gives a low grumble in reply, shooting Jonas an annoyed look. He bends forward and grabs one of the pillows off the floor and hits Magnus in the head, mumbling a quiet _idiot_ before he settles back into the warmth of Jonas’ arm.

Magnus rubs his temple, glaring at Isak before he turns to Jonas and answers his previous questions with a “Yeah, pretty beat, to be honest.”

"Reckon it’s all that food you ate, dude," Jonas supplies that causes the other three to laugh, stirring the tired air with their booming voices.

"Yes, I’m sure that’s it," Magnus drags out sarcastically with a roll of his eyes. Jonas just kicks him again and flips him off.

"I’m just saying, asshole. But, yeah, I’m actually a bit tired myself," Jonas says after a bit, nothing shy about the glance he casts between Even and Isak, waggling his eyebrows. Isak gives him an unimpressed look and pinches his ribs in retaliation with a hissed _fucker_ under his breath.

“I am exhausted too now that we are all mentioning it,” Mahdi yawns.

Isak turns to the room, clasping his hands in front of him. "Well since the three of you are, in fact, eighty I guess it‘s time for you to head to bed then, gramps," Isak says with a fond roll of his eyes.

Jonas laughs as he untangles his arm from around Isak and slaps a kiss onto his cheek before standing up from the couch and walking over to Magnus and Mahdi, tugging them up from the floor.

"Night, guys," Even says, forgotten in his corner and gives them a wave as the three of them head down the hall in the direction of their separate bedrooms. Three different doors slam shut in quick succession a few seconds later.

"So, um, I should probably go then?" Even asks, his voice coming out small and unsure as he speaks. He looks around, a bit flustered and fiddles with his hands before he settles them on his thighs. He begins rubbing them back and forth against the fabric of his jeans and goes to stand up. At his movement, Isak jumps closer to him on the couch, covering one of his hands with his own and telling him to stay put.

"Hey, no, you don’t have to do that," Isak pleads, looking Even deep in the eyes, hoping to convey everything he doesn’t have the courage to ask of him. _Please Stay. Don’t Leave. Don’t make it weird. I miss you._ Even seems to read something into his look because he closes his mouth and nods his head in affirmation, sinking back into the couch and settling his eyes on the screen once again.

Isak gives him a shy smile as he says, "Let’s finish the movie then," and goes to tuck himself into Even’s side. When he shuffles closer to Even, crowding into his space, Even visibly flinches, shying away from Isak. It’s not by much but it’s an instant reaction, him separating himself from Isak, creating more space between them. It hurts, punches at his chest and makes his heart flutter but he’s destined to keep up the facade of how things are okay between them, allowing himself this moment of normalcy, where he can pretend the past few weeks never happened. So he just cuddles closer until Even seems to give in and wraps a hesitant arm loosely around his shoulders, his fingers hovering above Isak’s skin as if he’s the fire and Even is afraid to get burned.

They settle in and continue watching the movie but Isak finds it hard to concentrate on with Even constantly shooting him weird glances. It keeps happening every few seconds and whenever Isak goes to meet his eyes he quickly looks away and pretends to be paying attention the movie. What’s odd about it is that they aren't the usual stares he catches Even with, these are more charged in a way he doesn't know how to read, and it terrifies him a bit, leaves him worried he’s doing something wrong. That he’s fucking up somehow.

When there’s ten minutes of the movie left according to the neon numbers on the dvd player Even does it again. Isak shuffles around in his seat and Even flinches, physically removes himself from around Isak. At his sudden movement something stirs inside Isak, something that’s been building ever since Even came back and wasn’t the same anymore. When Even shies away Isak feels it explode inside him and push its way to the surface.  

He sits up straight quickly ripping Even’s arm from around his shoulders in the process and turns to face Even who’s looking at him with a confused expression painted on his face.

"What is going on with you?" Isak asks, pinning Even with the intensity of his stare. "Because I don't get it, Ev, I really don't, you - you act all weird and tense around me and I just don't get it? " Isak questions, his mind spinning in circles trying to think of obvious things he’s missing, small details he overlooked, words that got spoken in a rush, something, anything, to make them go back to normal again.

Even opens his mouth to speak but nothing comes out and Isak picks up the topic again, pushing away the previously hanging words in the air. "Ever since we met Erik you've been all weird and I can't stand it. Fuck, you’re one of my favorite people and I just can't have it like this." His voice has gone down to a whisper as he’s been talking, the anger making its way out of his body. The last words coming out breathy and choked up.

"Please Even- I just-" he stops and looks down on his hands and starts playing with his fingers, unable to meet Even’s eyes. He doesn’t know what he wants to say, what else there is for him to say. Doesn’t know how to make sense of the sea of thoughts swimming in his head, all unfinished words and sentences that get lost, sink down, in the rush of water and disappear as everything turns blurry around the edges.

It rings quiet for a moment or two, neither of them speaking or moving, the only sound in the room is the low hum of the tv lying forgotten in the background and their breaths coming out in uneven beats.

"I’m sorry," Even says finally, breaking the silence. He says it quietly, barely above a whisper. Isak glances up and stares at him, searching his face for something, something that will help him make sense of the mess they've become. "Why," he settles on, the question hanging in the ocean of space between them.

Even breaks their stare and turns forward to stare at the flickering screen of the tv. He seems to give himself some time to compose himself and Isak can see the wheels turning in his head, putting together and rearranging sentences to create an answer to his question.

"Jealous. I got jealous," Even finally says, his eyes still intently locked on the screen and avoiding Isak’s. He says it slowly, pausing between every word as if contemplating whether he wants to go through with it or not. The flickering light from the tv casts shadows over his face, painting his features in soft blues, reds, yellows, spilling in and out of each other, creating combinations that wash over his face like waves against the shore.

"Seeing him with you, and then thinking about what I wanted to have with you, it just broke me because I knew that I would never be able to be like him, I started comparing myself to him in every way and Isak I just didn’t want to hurt you like I know I will, to me you were better off with him,” Even stops. They both take a deep breath, letting the words seep in for a beat, letting them create a space for them in the parts of their hearts they have reserved for each other. There’s a million questions swimming in Isak’s head but he can’t make out a single one, all of them blurry and unclear, making him drunk on the possible outcomes.

“Hurt me?” Isak chokes out, “Hurt me Even? You have done nothing but save me since the moment you came into my life, how would you ever hurt me?”

Even breaths in deeply before he says, “I’m bipolar Isak.”

“That’s, why- why I disappeared for a few days. I just needed to figure some stuff out.” Even stops, taking a few seconds to just breathe, inhaling exhaling, before continuing. “I realized that kind of, maybe, I really like you. I mean, I guess I knew but I didn't think you'd ever like me back, so I just, didn't think about putting myself into the equation, I didn’t think about me being bipolar, if that makes sense," Even trails off before stopping entirely, his body going pliant, all of the tension being released at once.

Isak's mind stops, Even thought that Isak wouldn't be able to handle him being bipolar, thought that Isak wouldn't want to be with him if he was bipolar. Even thought that he was going to hurt Isak. That Isak was better off with somebody like Erik instead of someone who was bipolar.

 

“You wouldn’t hurt me Even, you being bipolar doesn't make me afraid of you, it doesn't make me want you to leave, Even I will be here right beside you no matter what.” Isak says firmly.

After a beat of silence Isak continues.

“You mean the world to me and more, Even I would give you every star in this sky if that meant that I could hear you laugh or see you smile.” Isak laughs watery.

Even finally stops staring ahead and turns his body towards Isak’s, who’s still perched at the end of the couch and looks at him. Their eyes meet and there’s emotions suddenly bursting, spilling from their bodies, flashes of electricity flicking between them. He goes to speak, opening his mouth but before he can say anything Isak’s surging forward, knocking their knees together as he wraps a hand around Even’s neck and pulls him in for a deep kiss.

Their lips mold together, fitting perfectly - Even’s plump and full against Isak’s thin and pouting. They slot against one another as they surge back time after time, their lips locking in a series of rushed kisses, gasping for more. Isak pushes his body against Even’s, pulling him in for kiss after kiss, their chests so close together Isak can feel Even’s heart beating behind his ribcage in sync with his own.

He draws Even’s lower lip between his, sucking on it lightly before giving it a quick bite. Even’s arms go to wrap around Isak’s lower back and he tugs at his shirt, bringing them even closer together. He follows Isak’s lead and licks into his mouth just as desperately. He’s eager as he traces patterns with his tongue inside Isak’s mouth, mapping out every part of him. His hands roam over Isak’s body, never settling in one place for too long.

When Isak finally draws back and knocks his forehead against Even’s, the two of them stay panting for air. "Oh," Even finally says. It comes out breathy and the air that escapes his mouth when he speaks tickles Isak’s chin. He giggles and gives Even a smile in return at which his entire face lights up and he smiles back, crinkles by his eyes.

“So you are okay with me bei-” Even starts but Isak interrupts him “Yes, I am Even, you being bipolar changes nothing about the way I feel about you. Unless you couldn’t tell by that. ”

Even laughs and leans forward to peck Isak softly on the lips once, twice before pressing a light kiss to his nose. Isak smiles and dives back in, Even’s mouth parted as he traps Even’s bottom lip between his and traces his tongue against it, asking for permission. Even draws back and Isak follows, curling his tongue into his mouth. Their lips slot against each other, moans getting drowned out as they move slowly, their movements still laced with heat.

“I’ve wanted this,” Even starts saying, Isak surging forward into another kiss, breathing in the taste of his lips like oxygen, “for,” another kiss, “so,” another, “long,” and a final one where they pant into each other’s mouths as they want more, need more, of each other.

They break free and Isak goes to suck at Even’s neck, creating bruises and bites that speak of claim. He kisses up to Even’s ear, over his jaw and cheeks, where he leans in and whispers a soft and quiet “Me too, you have no idea,” before he nibbles at Even’s earlobe. Even’s breath hitches as he lets out a broken moan. He tilts his head back, giving Isak better access to his neck as Isak leans down again. He thinks he can hear him grunt a _fuck_ as he bites down on his neck, hard enough to leave marks.

Isak pushes him down on the couch, Even’s head hitting the pillow braced against the armrest. He gives out a small noise in the back of his throat when Isak stops kissing him to rest a hand against his chest as he straddles his hips and leans down to capture their mouths in another kiss. He brings a hand up to Even’s hair and tugs at a few stray hairs as Even lets out a small whine, his breath coming out in hiccups. The sounds make Isak lick into his mouth with more haste, Even’s tongue meeting his, creating flashes of electricity.

They stay on the couch for the rest of the night, tracing patterns into each others skin and savoring the taste of one another. They’re getting to know each other all over again, with roaming hands and hungry lips. It’s as if the final piece of them has fallen into place, transforming them into the inevitable, the something more Isak has wanted since he saw Even cross the room the first day in class weeks ago.

They make out until their hungry kisses turn into small pecks between stifled yawns and laughter. Isak offers him the couch since he’s basically spent all night there anyway and Even pinches his ass with a _yeah sure alright baby boy_ pressed sarcastically against his lips before he kisses him and goes to stand, pushing Isak off him. They spend another fifteen minutes making out against the door before Even whispers about how he has to leave and Isak finally gives in. They share a final kiss by the elevator and as the door closes Isak feels his body sag against the wall. He sits down on the cold floor and bangs his head against the wall with a smile splitting his face in two.


	6. Chapter 6

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Isak thinks it's kind of embarrassing how gone he is for Even considering they’ve only been together for a few weeks, but there’s something about him that makes Isak want to let go of every bad feeling that’s taken root in his body just so he can give himself away, without all his baggage dragging him down.

 

Isak spends all weekend researching about being bipolar and texting Even asking about things he may have questions about, always asking if it’s okay that he is asking, which earns Isak a message back from Even saying _of course sunshine I am more than happy to explain in the best way that I can_. Isak learns so much through Even, not just about being bipolar but also about being courteous when it comes to your own mental health. Isak figures when it comes to himself he should understand his own brain but a part of him doesn't even know where to start so for now he lets it simmer in the back of his thoughts. 

 

Isak enters class the following Monday a bundle of nerves with anxiety flooding his system, his heart hammering so hard in his chest he feels his entire body shake with it. His mind is hazy with memories of kissing Even, the way his lips had molded themselves against Isak’s, the perfect amount of pressure, the pace slow and steady. His skin’s filled with ghost touches of Even’s fingers tracing patterns over it, of hushed whispers and words finally spoken. They all make his mind wander, make it hard for him to move, to breathe without a loop of it all, of Even playing in his mind.

 

He hitches his backpack further up his shoulder as his eyes scan the room, looking for familiar faces. Class is about to begin but most students are still chattering away, turned around in their seats, their voices mixing together, creating mismatched harmonies. Isak’s eyes jump from group to group as he makes his way across the room, crossing between desks, trying not to trip.

 

He finally spots Sana and Even a few seconds later. They’re sitting with a few other people from class in the far left corner, all of them turned around in their seats, creating a small circle. He quickly picks out Even in the group, his angelic figure easily distinguishing him from the rest. He’s lost in their conversation, nodding along to what Sana is telling the group, his eyes focused on Sana as she talks, explaining something.

 

Even’s eyes meet Isak’s as he makes his way over to where they’re sitting, maintaining steady eye contact until Isak reaches them. He hovers nervously around the desks, shuffling his feet, unsure of what to do with himself. The others are still immersed in Sana speaking about what Isak now knows is about systematics, Isak presence does go unnoticed by everyone but Even’s watchful eyes.

 

Their eyes stay locked for a moment before Even speaks up. “Iss,” he says, his voice coming out soft and fond and even though he says it quietly it carries across the room and catches his attention.

 

“Come here, I saved you a seat,” Even says, tilting his head to the empty spot next to him. Isak gives him a small nod in response, the corners of his mouth tugging up into a shy smile aimed at Even, everyone else in the room fading away.

 

Isak moves around the group, greeting the other people as he does and makes it to Even’s side, sitting down next to him. After that night between them Isak expects it to be weird between them, awkward tension and stolen glances so he’s surprised to find how easy it is to be around Even again, how easy it is to fall into the rhythm that the two of them share. It’s as if just being in Even’s presence, close enough to feel the warmth radiating off his skin in the cold morning is enough to settle his bones and wash the unwanted feelings away.

 

They share a secret glance, just for the two of them and Even breaks into a wide grin causing his eyes to crinkle. He’s got his body tilted towards Isak, blocking the rest of the group out and he looks so at ease like this, inside the bubble they’ve created between the two of them. Isak can’t help but smile back at him, wondering if Even shines as bright to the rest of the world as he does to him.

 

"Halla," Even mumbles, ducking his head to press a hesitant kiss to Isak’s temple. The move is so gentle, as if he’s asking permission, asking if this is where they stand. And there’s nothing Isak wants more than the turn his head and capture Even’s lips in a kiss, but this isn’t the place or the time and he thinks that for the first time in his life he finds himself wanting to be cautious about what they have, doesn’t want to rush into the burning flames as he’s found himself doing in the past.

 

“Hei,” he stutters out, feeling himself going shy under Even’s consistent stare.

 

He crouches down and noses at Isak’s temple, blowing a raspberry against his skin, causing him to let out a small giggle. Isak slaps his hand over his mouth, muffling the sound, not wanting it to escape from their bubble. Even laughs in response and presses a soft kiss to his earlobe and whispers a quiet _missed you_.

 

Isak bites his lip and turns around to look at Even who’s got another grin plastered across his face. His eyes trail down to Isak’s lips for a second and Isak follows the movement, watches Even’s stare linger for a beat too long.

 

“Missed you too,” Isak whispers and Even’s eyes light up, blinding Isak in his state of aching heart and flushed cheeks.

 

Even slips his hand underneath the desk and traces his fingers up Isak’s thigh, the movement surprisingly sweet and lacking the promise of something else. Even captures Isak’s hand in his bigger one, intertwining their fingers together and giving their clasped hands a small squeeze. And just like that, with that small gesture alone Isak feels the rest of the anxiety and nervousness fade away, leaving him feeling giddy and light in its place. Making him feel at ease and as if he’s finally come home, as if this is where he’s supposed to be, with even by his side, their bodies touching and everything else tuned out and forgotten.  

 

////

 

When Isak wakes up it’s early, the sun shining through the blinds, creating patterns on the sheets they’re nestled under. The light casts shadows over the dips of their bodies and fills the room with a soft yellow glow, illuminating the peaks of skin showing from underneath the covers. It’s still a bit cold but Even’s got a tight grip on his waist and they’re lying close, their chests flush together, radiating heat off each other.

 

Isak moves slightly out of Even’s grip as he blinks the sleep out of his eyes, his surroundings going in and out of focus, waking him from the hazy state of his mind. When Even realizes Isak’s awake he stirs slightly and grumbles into Isak’s skin before drawing their bodies closer and gaping his mouth open and shut a few times, going back to sleep. Isak feels the corners of his mouth twitch up into a small smile at the sight and brings a hand to twine in Evens hair, brushing small pieces out of his face. Even hums his approval in response, small noises from the back of his throat escaping his lips.

 

Isak thinks it's kind of embarrassing how gone he is for Even considering they’ve only been together for a few weeks, but there’s something about him that makes Isak want to let go of every bad feeling that’s taken root in his body just so he can give himself away, without all his baggage dragging him down. As if maybe the storm building in his bones will one day settle down and disappear with the passing wind and won’t drag him down, make his chest heavy with every taken breath. Having Even as part of his life makes him feel like he can fully let go one day and let Even have all of him, even with the scratches and bruises he got along the way.

 

He nudges Even’s legs open so he can slip one of his own in between and immediately feels him tighten his grip around it. Isak pulls at the covers with his free hand and drags them up so they’re tucked under his chin before letting his head fall against Even’s shoulder. He can feel his chest moving as his breaths come out in small puffs on top of his head. He closes his eyes and lets his full attention be on Even’s breathing, feeling it settle into his body, making him feel safe.

 

He falls back asleep a few moments later, lulled into sleep by the warmth of Even’s arms and his breaths, not being awaken until his alarm goes off some time later with a shriek, startling them both.

 

He rolls off Even and turns around to slap the clock once, twice before it stops shrieking. He gives out a sigh of relief and closes his eyes for a second, the darkness familiar and comforting in the early hours of the morning. There’s too much light everywhere, the one coming through the blinds, the glowing numbers of his alarm clock, the small streams coming through the gap of the door. It’s all a quiet, muffled kind of light, but still there, shining bright as ever, still intruding on the comfort of their bubble.

 

He feels the cold tip of a nose against his neck, rubbing against the dip where it meets his shoulders and a muffled groan of _come back i’m cold_ from behind him. When he turns back around he’s met with the image of Even up close with half his face burrowed in the pillow, his body flipped on his stomach and arms hidden underneath the covers.

 

Isak runs a hand along his back, leaving ghost touches as Even shivers in return and feels the corners of his mouth twitch up into a small smile as he watches Even, still half asleep.

 

“Morning,” Isak mumbles, still stroking up and down Even’s back, warming it up.

 

“Morning, baby,” Even replies, his voice sleep worn and huskier than usual. He detaches his face from the pillow and turns so he’s on his side, facing Isak instead. He cracks an eye open, sneaking a peak at Isak who reaches forward and tugs at one of his stray hairs sticking up, eliciting a small laugh from Even.

 

“Did you get any sleep?” Even asks, scolding his face into something serious but there’s still the hints of laughter on his face, the corners of his mouth turned up and his eyes shining of warmth and joy, despite the dim haze surrounding the blue.

 

His question sounds mundane, but it’s transparent in the way he know Isak doesn’t sleep well, lies awake at night, twisting in the sheets, his mind spinning with thoughts and feelings he can’t place, can’t figure out. He asks it carefully, the hint of questioning lingering even after he’s spoken the words, as if he doesn’t know what boundaries he can cross yet in their relationship. He bites his lips and his eyes track Isak’s face for any trace of movement, any indication he took a wrong turn.

 

“Yes, I did,” Isak replies, his eyes crinkling at the sight of the smile taking over Even’s face at his words. He circles his fingers around his neck and brings their bodies close together, their chests flush against one another and their feet slotting together in a tangled mess. He scoots forward on the bed, their faces inches apart and speaks directly into Even’s mouth, “How could I not when I’ve got you in my bed,” he says and flashes a wide smile. Even’s entire face seems to light up at this, any trace of sleepiness gone.

 

“You’re cute,” Isak says as he peeks a finger up to poke at Even’s cheek.

 

“You’re pretty okay too,” Even says as he brings his hand up to cover Isak’s which is still placed on his cheek. He flattens it before twining their fingers together, bringing them down to his lips to place a tender kiss against the back of their clasped hands.

 

“Sap,” Isak says as he angles his face into the pillow, letting it muffle his quiet laughter.

 

“You like it though,” comes Even’s reply as he drops their entwined fingers onto the covers in the small space between their bodies. Isak looks deep into his eyes, barely catching the undercurrent of insecurity to his words, it flashing by in the blink of an eye.

 

“Yeah, I do,” Isak says with a small smile as he leans in and gives Even a chaste kiss, their lips meeting for the first time that morning.

 

As kisses go it’s not their best, but despite morning breath and teeth clattering from the big smiles they got plastered on their faces, it’s nice. There’s not heat to it, no licking and tongues clashing together but there’s an odd sense of familiarity behind it and Isak finds himself thinking about how he wishes that he could kiss Even good morning every day, bad breath and all.

////

 

It’s a Saturday and Even and Isak are sitting on the couch, pretending to be interested in the show playing on the tv but mainly they are sneaking glances at each other out of the corner of their eyes and making out during the commercial breaks. They’re still stuck in the honeymoon phase as Magnus likes to mention every time he sees them together. They’re always kissing, always touching in some way be it through hands around their waists or secret hands on knees underneath tables. They constantly get told about how sickening cute it is to be in their presence, _those heart eyes all over the place_ , as Mahdi once put it. But Isak knows they are secretly happy for him, can see it in the way Jonas, Mahdi and Magnus look at Even when they’re together, with warmth and acceptance, despite the small undercurrent of worry and protection. Happy he’s found someone and has let someone find him in return.

 

Their relationship is still new, just having had passed the one month mark, but Isak feels as if he knows Even, as if he can trace his speech patterns and the difference in his voice when he’s lying or pretending to like something. That he knows how his face looks like when he’s in a good or bad or in between mood. He’s picked up on so much, the information storing itself in his mind bit by bit without him realizing, just taking it all in subconsciously. He knows Even and he’d like to think Even knows him just as well, knows what he likes and dislikes, when he’s having a rough day and how to handle it, knows how to make him feel safe and secure. Maybe it’s all of this combined that makes him bring up the subject on his own, without having anyone push him into it.

 

They're lazily making out with the tv noise in the background when Isak feels it hit him like a train, the need to know, to talk about it all and he pulls back and rests their foreheads together. Even brings his hand up to stroke Isak’s cheek as he gives him a smile and kisses the corner of his mouth shyly.

 

“Can I ask you something?” Isak says quietly, blinking his eyes closed even though he can still feel Even’s stare boring into his eyelids.

 

“Yea, of course, you know you can ask me anything, Iss,” Even replies slowly, his voice a bit hesitant. He’s still stroking his cheek in careful and gentle movements, his fingertips barely grazing his skin.

 

“Are you happy?” Isak asks after a few beats have passed, neither of them moving, staying locked in their embrace. He opens his eyes slowly and sees Even slightly flinch at the question, but he doesn’t move away for which Isak’s grateful. He stays still, his body as tense as Isak’s fluttering heart feels in that moment.

 

Seconds pass, making it feel like minutes, hours, an infinite amount of time stuck on a loop with the question hanging between them in flashing colors, making Isak is painfully aware of how he can’t take it back, how it’s already too late.

 

After letting it sink in for a moment Even locks his gaze on Isak’s again and replies a clear and steady, “Yes I am.”

 

“I can’t think of a reason not to be happy,” Even says, swallowing before he continues, ”I mean, I have a great family and friends, I understand myself more than I ever have, and I think I can always find small things in every situation that make me appreciate it, small things that make me smile and look at them in a positive light and so despite there still being road bumps in my life things there’s also all these little things that add to the whole picture. Does that make sense?” Even finishes with a warm smile aimed at Isak, his eyes burning bright.

 

Isak nods and breaks Even’s stare which has only grown more intense while he’s been speaking and settles it on their hands, lying in his lap. He rubs his thumb against the back of Even’s hand and feels his eyes tracking the movement.

 

“So what makes you happy about this moment then?”

 

He sees Even smile out of the corner of his eye before he takes a sharp breath and replies.

 

“It’s being here with you, just being near you and seeing your face and hearing you talk. It’s kissing you and being able to touch you. You know, it all adds up and like even doing stupid, boring stuff is fun with you. I don’t know how to explain it, but I know that you make me happy.”

 

Isak looks up at Even and stares into his eyes and let’s go of their hands as he moves in to give him a hug. It’s a bit awkward with their limbs all entwined on Isak’s small couch. But Even pushes back against the armrest and Isak settles in between his spread legs, letting Even’s arms wrap around his shoulders and hold him tight. He feels Even nuzzle into his hair and plant small kisses at his scalp before whispering a quiet,  “I hope one day you can be happy too, Iss, you deserve it .”

 


	7. Chapter 7

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> “I just want to escape,” Isak whispers

“I just want to escape,” Isak whispers one night.

 

They’re sprawled out on the couch in the living room, Isak pretty much lying in Even’s lap with his head resting against his chest and their feet entwined. They are both way too tall for the small couch and but they've made it work so they don’t end up on the floor. Even’s got his arms wrapped around Isak’s middle with his chin hooked over his shoulder. Their position is slightly uncomfortable with their bodies being smushed together but neither of them are complaining or moving away.

 

They’re watching some sappy rom-com Even had chosen because apparently there’s only so many action movies he can endure in one week. Isak had protested and said that there was _absolutely no way in fucking hell we’re watching Titanic or Romeo and Juliet again, Even. If I have to hear one more love declaration over weeping tears i’m kicking you out of the apartment._ But Even just laughed and widened his eyes and pouted for a full minute before Isak had thrown his hands in the air and given in with a sigh and a bitter _fine_ , letting him have his way.

 

Isak doesn’t look away from the screen, where the couple is busy making out, as he voices his thoughts. He doesn’t know what really prompted him to say it, what brought upon this train of thought, but now it’s out there, impossible to take back.

Even fidgets slightly underneath him, taking a couple of controlled breaths before tightening his grip around him and unhooking his chin from his shoulder as he shuffles a bit so he’s sitting upright. He bends down to plant a kiss to the top of Isak’s head before resting his cheek there.

 

Isak closes his eyes and holds the blanket tighter around them before leaning further into Even’s arms. They’re warm and he feels a sense of safety settling in his bones when he’s around Even. They haven’t been together for long but he still feels more relaxed around him than he has around anyone in a long time. The only people who are a constant in his life are the boys and he’d like to be able to add Even to that list too.

 

“Where do you wanna go?” Even asks from where he’s still got his head resting atop Isak’s own. “To escape, I mean,” he adds quickly as an after thought.

 

“I hadn’t really thought that far, I think it’s just the idea of getting away, of leaving it all behind, that’s appealing to me.”

 

Even hums quietly against his scalp as he leans down to plant a path of open mouthed kisses along the side of Isak’s neck. His lips brush over his pulse point, lingering for a beat, sucking on it, creating a small bruise that’s sure to still be there tomorrow. Even leaves small pecks up to his jaw, so that Isak’s breaths come out hitched, in small hiccups.

 

“I’d like to just get in a car and drive without any direction whatsoever, just make turns whenever I felt like it and rely on the fact that I was going somewhere even though I didn’t really know or care where I was going.”

 

Even removes his lips from his jaw once he stops talking, setting his forehead against the side of Isak’s head and breathing heavily. He lets out puffs of air against his ear, waiting a few beats for Isak’s words to settle in before whispering quietly, “Let’s go then baby.”

 

////

 

They end up throwing on sweaters and hoodies over their shirts before quickly tugging on their shoes and beanies and locking the apartment, only leaving a rushed note on the kitchen table for the boys to find in the morning, before they’re out the door. They pile into the car and before Isak can fully register what’s happening Even’s taking a turn and leaving the dark of their street behind.

 

Isak hooks Even phone up to the car’s stereo and fidgets with it for a few minutes, scrolling through albums and artists he’s never heard of, all marked by a blank space in his mind - anonymous, unknown. He finds a playlist and clicks on it, hitting shuffle as the first song spills through the speakers. It fits the mood nicely, all slow with a soft, melodic sounds and a soft beat in the background. The echoes filling up the air and wrapping themselves around the two of them, thrumming against their bodies.

 

Isak turns it down so that there’s just a dull throb of it being heard above the car and he leans back in his seat.

 

They drive for what feels like hours, maybe even days, none of them speaking beyond a mumbled _this song is nice_ in regards to the music playing low in the background. Their fingers lie laced together on Even’s thigh with him rubbing soothing circles into the back of them. Isak watches the perfect cut of Even’s profile, lit up from behind, creating a silhouette. He can make out the flutter of Even’s eyelashes, the straight line of his jaw and the softness of his lips. With everything else soft and fuzzy Even stands out as clear, as if there’s a glow about him making him shine brighter than the rest.

 

He watches Even while he drives, his free hand gripping the steering wheel, his fingers circled around it with his gaze flicking over to Isak in the passenger seat every few minutes. Each time he gives him a small, private smile and it’s nice and soft, Isak thinks. There aren’t expectations to be filled and he feels oddly at ease driving like this, without a destination in mind and Even by his side.

 

The landscapes pass, everything rushing by in a blur of dark blues, illuminated by the glowing moon, creating light where it casts uneven shadows over the trees they pass. It’s like the sea within Isak, every shade darker than the other with speckles of light cast upon it. Even’s laughter is his light, his kisses are his light, the way he holds his hand is his light and the ocean of emotions, splashing against each other like waves in a storm are his darkness, the one making him drown further and further down.

 

////

He doesn’t know for how long he’s been out for when he’s awoken by Even leaning above him and unbuckling his seat belt. Isak still isn’t awake enough to fully register what’s happening but his body is telling him he doesn’t want to move, that he wants to continue sleeping. He tries telling Even this but his voice comes out in a series of soft incoherent mumbles and he ends up crawling further into his own arms, giving up on trying to speak.

 

“Baby, come on,” Even ushers, his voice gentle and low as he runs a soothing hand down Isak’s back.

 

Isak just shakes his head slowly where it’s still nestled into his arms and whines into the fabric of his shirt. Even gives a gentle sigh and pulls Isak’s arms away, ignoring his whimpers, and picks him up into his arms.

 

“Oh honey I know you are tired and I’m so sorry, baby, I don’t wanna do this but you can’t fall asleep here, it’s not good for your back,” he coos as Isak instinctively wraps his legs around Even’s waist and clings to him like a baby koala, engulfing in the warmth of Even’s body.

 

“Good deal, there we go,” Even mumbles into Isak’s shoulder as he hoists him up to get a better grip, his hands coming to rest around Isak’s thighs, where they latch on.

 

He backs up a few steps from the car and balances Isak in one of his strong hands and goes to close the door. He does it quietly as to not jolt him anymore awake than he already is and opens the door to the backseat before carefully lowering Isak onto the blankets he’s spread out.

 

As soon as he’s down Isak reluctantly lets go of Even and curls into himself as he hugs his knees to his chest. He shuffles around a bit before finding a comfortable position and lets out a long breath before feeling himself being pulled back into sleep.

 

The last thing Isak registers before dozing off is Even mumbling a quiet “Goodnight, sunshine,” and pressing a lingering kiss to his temple.

 


	8. Chapter 8

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> His face is shining with so much joy as his eyes move slowly, taking in every rustle of wind and every moving snowflake. He’s so mesmerized, so in awe by it all and Isak has never seen this side of him, this childish glow bubbling up, making him hopelessly endearing.

The first snow hits in early December, right before Christmas. They wake up one morning to snow filling up every surface - dusted across rooftops, the trees and the passing cars. It’s everywhere, shining white and bright in the dim morning light.

 

Isak is awoken by Even covering his body with his own, draping himself across Isak’s chest, crushing him. “It’s snowing baby,” he clumsily whispers into Isak’s ear, his voice soft with sleep, but with an excited, almost childish, giddiness to it.

 

“Wha-” Isak croaks out, still in an in between state of being awake and sleeping. He blinks his eyes open slowly to be met with Even’s bright and happy face inches from his own from where he’s hovering above him on the bed.

 

“Snowing Iss,” Even whispers, a smile in his voice. He leans down and brushes a light kiss to Isak’s forehead before he finds his hand peeking out of the covers and wraps his long fingers around Isak’s wrist and tugs at it.

 

“Come on, I wanna see the snow, baby,” he whispers as he sits backs on his heels and motions for Isak to follow him.

 

“Alright sweetheart, relax, i’m coming,” Isak mumbles and drags himself into an upwards position, blinking his eyes awake, losing the lingering feeling of sleep. Even’s still tugging at his slim wrist and with a grumble he gets out of bed and let’s Even lead them out of the room.

 

Isak follows after him into the living room where Magnus is sat on the couch, eating cereal and watching cartoons on tv. He’s wrapped up in a blanket, his head poking out of the layers with his hair in a soft fringe falling over his eyes. He waves at them with the hand holding the spoon as he scoops up some more cereal and continues munching on it. “‘Hello, good morning,” he says when he finally swallows. “It’s a bit early for you to be up, Issy?”

 

“Fuck off Mags,” Isak mumbles, aiming a stern look at him as Even continues leading him forward, towards their small balcony, Isak reluctantly following him.

 

“Damn alright I am just saying that I haven’t seen you up this early in.…well I have never seen you up this early come to think of it. You must be a miracle worker, Even.”

 

“Morning, Magnus,” Even greets happily in reply, a smile still plastered across his face as he pointedly ignores Isak’s mumbled curse words aimed at Magnus from behind him. “Did you see that it’s snowing?” he asks with a nod towards the window, a smile in his voice as he looks out on the falling snowflakes.

 

“Yeah, it’s beautiful, Even,” Magnus replies as they pass him before going back to his cartoons, chuckling at something happening on the screen.

 

They finally reach the balcony and Even let’s go of Isak’s wrist to jiggle the door open. He places a hand on Isak’s lower back as he gets it open, leading him outside. It’s a tight fit as their balcony is far too small but Even nudges him forward and goes to stand behind him, locking his arms around Isak’s waist and hooking his chin over his shoulder. Isak leans back into Even’s safe arms and lets himself be engulfed in the warmth of Even’s skin. He tilts his head up to sneak a glance at Even who’s staring straight ahead at the snow. His eyes are opened wide and his mouth is shaped into the brightest smile Isak thinks he has ever seen. His face is shining with so much joy as his eyes move slowly, taking in every rustle of wind and every moving snowflake. He’s so mesmerized, so in awe by it all and Isak has never seen this side of him, this childish glow bubbling up, making him hopelessly endearing.

 

Isak pushes up on his feet slightly to nose at Even’s jaw before pressing an open mouthed kiss to it. He mouths a quiet _you’re so cute_ into Even’s neck, embedding the words and pressing them into his soft skin. He presses another quick peck against it before placing his feet flat on the cold concrete and turning back to the falling snow. Even tightens his arms around him and kisses the back of his head, mumbling a string of incoherent words that sound a lot like _you’re cuter_ , making a smile sneak over Isak’s face.

 

////

 

A while later they bundle up in thick sweaters and wrap knitted scarves around their necks and tug their beanies low over their ears and head out into the snow. Even is so eager, his words coming out in a jumbled rush and he’s practically skipping down the stairs, Isak following close behind, his face shining with laughter, with love for this ridiculous boy before him.

 

The chilly winter air engulfs them as they join the crowd of people milling the streets, all enjoying the snow. Unlike most weekends the pace of the crowd is slow, no one is in a rush to get somewhere else, they all walk slow, taking it all in with every step, savoring it.

 

Isak slips his hand in Even’s, interlocking their fingers. Even looks down at the movement and squeezes their clasped hands. When he looks up to meet Isak’s eyes his cheeks are tinted a light pink and there’s a small, private smile tugging at his lips. Isak gives him one in return, scrunching his face together to hear Even’s quiet, vibrating giggle.

 

Even looks like winter with his eyes shining bright with their radiating blue against the muted colors of their surroundings. His eyelashes are speckled white from the falling snow and there’s snowflakes braided into the stray blonde pieces of hair peaking out from underneath his beanie. His chapped lips are rosy from the cold, matching the pink spreading across his face. He looks so at ease, so happy and relaxed in his languid movements and his everlasting light has never shined quite as bright as it does when his eyes flicker over Isak’s face and he leans forward to brush a kiss against his lips.

 

Isak brings his free hand to thumb at his jaw as presses a light kiss to Even’s nose that’s turned red from the unrelenting wind. Even’s breathing comes out in a series of puffs of air, warming up Isak’s cold skin from where they’re stood close, his circulation easing up again as he’s hit with the warmth.

 

They eventually make it to the small coffee shop at the end of the street and manage to grab a table near the back, by the widow. Even leans his face forward in his hands and gazes out at the rustle of people and the flecks of snow falling to the ground, creating a white blanket over their surroundings. He’s got a small smile painted across his face, a feeling of light satisfaction settled over him.

 

Isak hooks his chilled ankles around Even’s underneath the table and watches him watch the snow. They sit in lapsing silence amidst the bustle of voices and activity surrounding them. Sometimes they don’t need words, their faces and eyes telling stories of their own, he thinks. The silence is comforting, leaves him feeling content as he cradles the cup of hot chocolate in his hands, letting the warmth seep into his skin and heat him up from the cold. Even turns toward him and his eyes go soft when their eyes lock on one another. Isak’s lips purse into a smile above the rim of the cup and Even reaches out for his hand on the table, locking Isak’s pinky with his own in a secret promise that goes unspoken.

 

////

 

When they get back to the apartment Even brings his laptop into the kitchen and places it on the counter. He fiddles with it for a few minutes as Isak untangles himself from the various layers of clothing in the hall and kicks off his shoes. When he’s done he pads out into the kitchen to join Even who’s bent over the computer, his shoulders hunched as he clicks around the screen.

 

Isak goes to glance over his shoulder and startles with confusion when he’s met with Even’s playlist. “Who is Highasakite,” he asks, his eyebrows furrowed.

 

“Baby boy, have you not heard their fantastic music, it’s beautiful,” Even says, his face soft.

 

“No but now I want to,” Isak replies, the corners of his lips tilting up into a smile as Even turns back to his computer and continues fiddling with it for a few more seconds before music spills through the empty apartment, the slow beat filling up the room.

 

Even turns and looks blissfully towards Isak and walks slowly towards him, singing along softly to the music. He comes up to Isak and wraps his arms around him, moving them along to the music. Isak melts and locks his hands around Even’s neck, burying his face in the crook between his shoulder and neck. Even lets out a breath, whispering the words as he peppers Isak’s hair with small kisses.

 

“Isak, ” he says quietly and nudges at Isak’s jaw with his nose, pecking it lightly. “Sing with me sunshine.”

 

Isak groans in response, shaking his head, the fabric of Even’s sweater dragging against his skin. “I don’t sing, you know that,” he says, the words coming out muffled.

 

“Don’t lie, Isak, I’ve heard you sing, you know,” Even replies, voicing his disbelief. He leans down and places his lips against Isak’s ear, singing along to the song. His voice is as deep and raspy as his speaking voice, ringing clear and in tune to the music. “And if I ever see you again my love. All I'm ever gonna do,” Isak breaths slowly.

 

“Is send shivers down that spine of yours” he sings, his voice dropping low, filled with intent behind the words. Isak stops a moan from escaping his lips at Even’s husky voice and digs his nails into the skin of his neck, leaving bruises with how hard he’s pressing down.

 

“Shut up, Even,” he groans, “you’re going to fucking kill me.”

 

Even laughs and continues singing, swaying them to the slow beat of the song. “Lover where do you live - baby, sing with me already,” he breaks off to nudge at Isak with his hip.

 

Isak untucks his head from Even’s neck and rolls his eyes as he gives in and sings along with him, their voices - Even’s raspy and sharp while Isak’s soft and light - melting together in perfect harmony. Even’s face splits into a giant grin as he keeps singing and Isak leans forward, capturing his lips in a gentle kiss, drowning out the words.

 

“You’re so lame,” he mumbles when their lips part and he shakes his head slowly, his eyes crinkling with joy as Even laughs and hugs his waist tighter, pressing them closer together so their chests line up. He blows a series of raspberries against Isak’s face, stopping every few seconds to laugh. Isak screams and bats at Even’s shoulder, trying to push him away but Even’s bigger and has got a strong grip on his lithe frame.

 

“No way, sunshine, this is what you get for making fun of me,” he mumbles into the soft skin of Isak’s cheek as his laughter mixes with Isak’s own, filling up the apartment with the music still playing in the background.

 

////

 

“Isak, stop , you’re doing this on purpose,” Even whines an hour later when they’ve got the kitchen set up. They bought a gingerbread house kit at the store earlier and have it splayed out on the table with various baking supplies they apparently own, the laptop moved to the counter where it’s still playing a number of various romantic songs.

 

“There’s no way you’re this bad at it,” Even continues, batting at Isak’s hand when he picks up the wrong piece for the third time in the past few minutes. “It’s ridiculous.”

 

“Hey, don’t be mean,” Isak says, hip checking Even and picking up some of the flour and flicking it at his face, letting out a quiet laugh when Even flinches and furrows his brow.

 

“You’re such a little shit,” Even says and sighs deeply as he goes to scan over the instructions for the house, bringing a hand to wipe at his face. “Alright, so this piece,” he mumbles to himself as he picks up the right one, ignoring Isak’s protests in the background, “goes here. Okay, alright then.” His eyes linger on the picture for a few more seconds before he goes to pick up the icing that’s lying on the table.

 

“Even, baby, let me, I can do it,” Isak whines, making grabby hands at the icing from where he’s stood on the other side of the table.

 

“Iss…” he says, slowly looking back and forth between the package and Isak. He’s got his face scolded into his most innocent look, his features softened and a small smile on his lips, hoping to win Even over. “You promise you won’t ruin it again, we’re gonna run out of icing if you keep drawing random stuff, you know,” Even sighs as Isak nods his head quickly, his face lighting up.

 

“Promise,” he rushes out and presses a kiss to Even’s cheek which prompts him to laugh and hand the icing over with his best stern look. He’s got a fond smile on his face though and soon his eyes give in and go soft as well.

 

Isak bites his bottom lip in concentration as he squeezes the tube to create a thick line of icing across the piece of gingerbread Even’s holding in his hands. When he’s managed to create a somewhat straight line he throws his hands in the air with a smile splitting his face in half and let’s out a loud whoop and punches the air.

 

“Told you I wouldn’t mess up,” he says as he sticks his tongue out at Even who rolls his eyes in reply and goes back to the reading the instructions, shaking his head in disbelief.

 

“Good job, Iss, where was this twenty minutes ago when you kept breaking the walls of our house though.”

 

“It wasn’t on purpose! ” Isak cries out, an offended hand to his chest. “How dare you insinuate such lies,” he continues in his loud, dramatic voice, riling Even up. “You know I would never. This house is the heart and soul of our relationship. Honestly, Even.”

 

Even spares him an unimpressed look over his shoulder with a muttered _sure it is_ under his breath at which Isak pinches his hip and sprays his cheek with icing in retaliation.

 

“Isak Valtersen! ” Even shrieks when the cold cream hits his skin. “Wha- Stop it! ”

 

“Shh, I’m almost done,” he fusses and continues shaping the heart on Even’s cheek. He’s almost completed it when Even pushes at his shoulders, making him lose his balance, the white line going crooked.

 

“You ruined it, ” he says and nudges Even back which causes them to break out into a wrestling match. Even’s bigger but Isak’s still got the icing in his hand and it works as his advantage. He squeezes some into the palm of his hand and smashes it into Even’s face, rubbing it around, getting icing everywhere.

 

“Iss-” Even shouts, pushing at his chest with one hand while the other one picks up some candy from the table and starts throwing them at Isak.

 

“Fuck, ” Isak hisses as he ducks from the flying candy. Even starts cackling, his voice loud and the way Isak likes it the most - when it’s as if the laughter is being ripped out of his body, coming out in barks. He grabs the bag and runs around the table, throwing them at Isak as he goes along.

 

Isak picks up the other bag and follows him, shouting curse words as he deflects flying candy while simultaneously trying to hit Even with his own. He rounds the couch and picks up a pillow to hold against his face. The soft thud of the candy hitting the floor can be heard over their booming voices and the music still playing from the kitchen, all of it melting together in mismatched synchronization.

 

“I hate you so much,” he shouts and Even’s laughter comes from the other side of the room with a series of red candies. “You too, Issy. I hate you the most.”

 


	9. Chapter 9

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Isak hides his smile in the crook of his neck and tightens his grip on the covers, keeping the heat trapped inside their bubble, the one place he finds himself belonging. Where he feels content and a sense of stability, of a definite.

Magnus drags them out to a New Year’s Eve party and Isak is reluctant at first, doesn’t know if he wants to be around so many people, if he’s up for it, if his mind and body are. But Magnus talks about it for a week straight, seemingly unaware of Isak’s hesitation, mentioning small bits about it every chance he’s given -  how apparently they’ve hired a DJ and there’s talk of being a champagne fountain and how it’s the party of the year , as he exclaims once a day. He seems so genuinely excited, as if he can barely contain his joy and the boys all roll their eyes at him, but all love him far too much to ask him to stop talking about it, to darken his light.

 

When there’s a week left everyone’s on board but Isak. He hasn’t said no, but hasn’t agreed either, always changing the topic or turning it into a question when he’s asked. The other’s watch him with wary eyes and looks that ask if he’s okay but he just gives them a tightlipped smile and a shake of his head that translates into it’s no big deal and they go back to their lives, leaving him alone for the time being.

 

Magnus however doesn’t pick up on any hesitation on Isak’s part and asks him about it constantly. Even when he isn’t asking, Isak can see the question sitting on the tip of his tongue, leaving it unspoken. Because Isak can see that he tries to be patient, to give him space, but can’t help himself, he just wants it so much that he’s crippled by his excitement and childish naivety.

 

Isak still isn’t sure by the time he agrees to it but Magnus’ face splits into a giant grin and he bounces over to Isak, wrapping him up in a giant hug, manhandling him over to the couch where Mahdi and Jonas are sitting playing Fifa and he tackles him into the pillows, the two of them halfheartedly wrestling. He thinks then that maybe he can do this, for Magnus sake if not for his own.

 

Magnus reluctantly lets go of him once Isak twists his nipple and he lets out a loud shriek as he untangles their limbs. Before standing up straight he smacks a wet kiss to Isak’s forehead and throws him a wink before turning and heading off in the direction of the kitchen. Isak groans in response from his position on the couch and brings the sleeve of his shirt up to wipe at his forehead.

 

////

 

Later that night when they’re cuddled together on the balcony, sharing a cigarette, Even tells him he doesn’t have to go, that it’s okay if he doesn’t want to, that Magnus will understand. He mumbles the words softly into the crook of Isak’s neck while rubbing soothing circles into his thigh, making him feel safe, feel comforted.

 

And Isak gets it, gets that of course Even’s seen the way he’s been getting fidgety and nervous whenever the question’s been brought up, because Even’s always there, always looking out for Isak. So he doesn’t know why they comes as a surprise, his words.

 

“I know, aby, but I want to. I think- I think I can do it, you know. I feel like it won’t be so bad.” He pauses to take a breath, to figure out how to convey what he’s feeling into words.

 

Even wraps the blanket tighter around them and presses a light kiss behind Isak’s ear as he draws him back, flush against his chest so he’s spooning him, urging him to go on at his own pace.

 

Isak takes a long drag and exhales the smoke into the cold winter night before saying, “I guess it won’t be bad because you’ll be there with me, Even.” He feels himself letting his walls down slowly as he turns the cigarette around between his fingers. He taps it gently and as the ash falls to the ground, he feels as if maybe he isn’t setting himself on fire anymore. Maybe Even is his flame now.

 

He takes one last drag, the smoke filling his lungs, before he says, “It’s as if you make me feel secure, you make me feel strong.” You make me less afraid.

 

He feels Even’s warm breath puffing against his ear as he hums in response before whispering a quiet, “You too, Iss, you too,” and kissing him softly once, twice on the cheek.

 

-

 

When New Year’s finally rolls around, Isak finds himself feeling oddly calm about it all. Ever since the night in the car Even’s been extra supportive, always giving him gentle touches and lingering kisses, letting him know in every way he can that he’s there, that he’s sticking around and Isak has never felt more secure in their relationship. They haven’t been together for long but he think he might be in love with Even. He hasn’t told him yet but can feel Even taking root in his heart and claiming a piece of it. He feels so overtaken with love sometimes, so close to saying it, but never does, always relying on the voices in his head telling him reasons not to.

 

He almost tells Even he loves him during one of their movie nights where they’re all sprawled out on the floor. Jonas, Mahdi and Magnus are sitting facing each other, bickering about what movie to watch next. It’s all big gestures and empty insults. Meanwhile, Jonas has opted to move to the big armchair they dragged home from some yard sale and is sitting playing some app on his old shitty iPhone, tuning out the world around him. Even is leaning against the couch, Isak sitting with his back pressed to his front and with his hands splayed low on Isak’s stomach. He thinks that this is probably his favorite thing in the world, being held by Even. He never feels more at home than when Even’s got his strong arms wrapped around him, shielding him from everything that exists outside the bubble that is EvenandIsak, holding him tight and comforting him from every bad feeling swimming through his head.

 

Even is stroking his hair absently as he watches Isak scrolling down his Instagram feed from over his shoulder. It’s nothing special, they do this all the time, but Isak finds comfort in the domesticity of it all. He shows Even a particularly funny post and feels his barking laughter fill him up, vibrating underneath his skin, stealing yet another bit of his heart. He feels his love for this boy, the boy that tries his hardest to protect him from the monsters inside his head, hit him out of nowhere. He’s never really registered it before but he thinks he might have been in love with Even from the start, from the first time he caught sight of his him **.** As Even noses at the side of Isak’s face and plants a sweet kiss at his temple he feels himself so close to just blurting it out, to whispering it into Even’s skin where only he can hear it, keeping it inside their bubble. But he knows he’s not ready, that they’re not ready, so he doesn’t.

 

Instead he turns around in Even’s embrace and wraps his arms around his neck and gives him a series of chaste kisses. He doesn’t stop kissing Even, not even when the boys stop their bickering to shout about how this is a kissing free zone. Not even when they start throwing popcorn at them or when Even giggles into his mouth and Isak feels his love for him overtake every part of his body, threatening to burst from the intensity of it.

 

///

 

It’s four hours to midnight and Isak is bored. He finds himself alone in the kitchen somehow, ditched by Magnus once again after he found another friend of his. The clock on the wall is inching closer to midnight with every passing second, the ticking of it a constant reminder of how close the new year is, how close to a new beginning it is, to a new chapter. He wonders why it’s automatically thought of as a new leaf with the beginning of a year, as if everything’s erased and starts over - it’s not as if he’s gonna wake up the next morning with nothing but a pounding head and aching body, as if he’s gonna feel better, as if something will have clicked into place.

He’s surrounded by people stood in small groups, all making conversation above the loud music coming from the living room. And it hits him how out of place he finds himself feeling amongst these strangers, these unknown people with unfamiliar faces who speak of things he can’t find the strength to care for. He doesn’t want to talk about tests and school and stress, doesn’t want to be reminded of it all. Doesn’t want to be brought back to dusty halls and never ending lectures. He finds himself zoning out of their conversation more than once, letting the low hum of their voices fill out the empty space between them.

 

He looks around the room, taking his time registering it all  - there’s empty beer bottles and red cups littering the kitchen counter. There’s two girls stood close together by the fridge, one of them complaining about the magnets sticking into her back and the one with the nose ring laughing in response. There’s a pack of melting ice cream stood on the kitchen table someone must’ve taken out in their drunken haze. There’s an open window, letting the chilly December air seek its way into the room. And there’s Jonas stood directly in the doorway, taking a sip of his beer and raising his eyebrows in a greeting.

 

Once Isak spots him and their eyes meet, they maintain eye contact for a few seconds before he walks across the room, elbowing his way through the small crowd that’s gathered and goes to stand next to Jonas. He leans against the wall, his head tilting back with a small thump. He lets it roll to the side and looks at Jonas, a grin cast over his face as he knocks their hips together.

 

“Hey, Iss,” he says and gives Isak a shy half smile above the rim of his beer before he takes another long sip and brings it down to cradle against his chest.

 

“Hey, did Mags ditch you too?” Isak asks, focusing his stare on Jonas and the lines of his profile, being lit up from behind by the flickering lights coming from the living room. They create a halo around his dark curly hair, his skin becoming golden, small specks of lightning making it glow like a thousand small stars mapped out over the cuts of his face.

 

Jonas laughs at that and shakes his head, facing Isak with a smirk on his lips, an amused look in his glossy eyes.

 

“Nah, he’s around here somewhere, last time I saw him he was playing some drinking game in the main hall with that kid from his lit class,” he explains with a nod in the direction of the living room, leading out into the rest of the house.

 

“Oh, yeah. He left me a while back, found some kid he apparently knew. Must be hard being the life of the party,” he sighs, his voice turning sarcastic.

 

“You’d know, wouldn’t you. Wasn’t that long ago you were up there on tables with him, dancing, drunk off your ass.”

 

“Yeah, well, things change, I guess,” Isak says and gives a dry laugh before exhaling a deep breath, feeling some of the tension in his shoulders leave his body. He brings his beer up to his mouth, taking a long sip, feeling the warmth of it float down his throat and through his body.

 

“You okay,” Jonas asks as he clinks their beers together and shoots Isak a look laced with concern. He knows Jonas cares for him, knows he didn’t really want to go, would’ve rather stayed in. Knows that as much as he loves parties and the crowds he sometimes needs his alone time, same as Isak knows Jonas needs his. They all deal with it differently, he supposes. He needs to go into hermit mode every once in a while, shut himself out from the world, just focus on himself, while Jonas needs to spend days obsessing over his latest writing project, cooped up in his bed room. It’s the same in so many ways just as it isn’t in so many others. It all comes down to the way they’re wired, he figures, how they’re mapped out to deal with their inner battles, how they choose to go on living.

 

“Yeah, I guess. Kinda lonely here, though,” he says as he gives a small shrug in response, avoiding Jonas’ intense stare. He looks down on the floor instead, littered with trash from the on going party around them. He nudges his feet together, his ratty vans overlapping and he flicks at their sides, pushing down on the rubber, keeping himself occupied.

 

Jonas bumps their shoulders together, catching Isak’s attention before he tugs him off the wall by throwing an arm around his waist, squeezing him tight and leading him out of the kitchen, into the corridor. “Let’s find you your boy, yeah.”

 

Isak rolls his eyes at the nickname and elbows Jonas in the ribs, but his mind fills with images of Even’s face, making his chest ache with want, with feelings of missing him. He gives in, letting Jonas lead him out of the room and mumbles a quiet yeah under his breath as they step into the sea of people.

 

////

 

An hour later he’s dancing with Even in the cramped living room. They’re surrounded by sweaty bodies moving in tune to the sound of Gabrielle singing about something, adding heat to the room. There’s arms around waists, hands squeezing hips, lips locked on lips, bodies moving in sync, melting into one.

 

Isak is wrapped around Even, their chest pressed closed together, trapping the warmth in between their bodies. He’s got his hands around Even’s neck while Even is slowly tracing his over Isak’s shoulders, down along his back, over his hips and down to his ass, fitting his hands in the back pockets of his jeans, his thumbs tugged into Isak’s belt loops.

 

Their foreheads are pressed together, their breathing ragged and their mouths so close together that they inhale and exhale the same air, moving it between their bodies. The pant into each other’s mouths, their breathing speeding up, coming out in hiccups through short bursts of air.

 

They crowd closer, their bodies moving in sync to the beat, all slow and languid movements that make time slow down as Isak grinds down his hips against Even’s. He lets out a shaky breath in reply, fitting his mouth behind Isak’s ear, sucking hard. He goes over it, altering the suction until the skin’s turned red, visible despite the darkened room. He leans down and bites softly, his teeth grazing the gentle skin before leaving a final, gentle peck in its place. Isak grinds down harder in response, digging his nails into the fragile skin of Even’s neck, leaving his own marks as he lets out a soft moan and leans his head against Even’s shoulder, panting for air.

 

He turns and presses a soft kiss to Even’s neck, keeping it sweet despite the air of sweat and sex. He moves one of his hands down Even’s back, tracing his spine with the tip of his fingers, leaving the faintest of touches as he trails down to his lower back and places them on Even’s hips, marveling in the feel of skin on skin where Even’s shirt has bunched up.

 

Isak can’t seem to settle his hands in one place, wanting to take it all in. They squeeze Even’s hips, move up and down his sides, leaving phantom touches as they go along. He brings them up to push Even’s hair out of his face, tucking some stray ones behind his ear. He kisses the corner of his mouth and Even turns his head, capturing their lips in a proper kiss.

 

He opens his mouth willingly and Even catches his bottom lip in between his and sucks gently. Isak nudges his hips, and Even breaks away, letting out a small moan before he surges forward and licks into Isak mouth. It’s hot and Isak feels wanted. He can feel Even pressing into his hip, his sweaty hands on his ass, his tongue tracing patterns inside his mouth. Isak can feel how much Even wants this and how much he wants it in return.

 

“Feels so good,” Even mumbles into his mouth, licking his lips before pressing a hard kiss to Isak’s lips. His tongue tastes of vodka, of beer, as it licks into Isak mouth, making Isak savor the taste of Even’s night mixed with his own.

 

“Yeah, baby,” Isak replies distantly as he nibbles gently at Even’s bottom lip. He feels his entire body fade away as he the alcohol runs through his bloodstream. He feels drunk on Even, on their bodies touching, moving, becoming one.

 

Even’s hot and flustered in front of him, kissing him as if it’s his only mission in life, letting out soft moans in between and grinding his hips down hard, pushing for the same reaction out of Isak. At a particularly hard kiss, one that leaves his head floating, he feels himself giving in with a low whine. He’s letting out the same soft moans and gasps in return only to feel Even squeeze his ass harder, pressing their chests closer together. He traces a hand up to rub his fingers at the small of Isak’s back, carefully rucking his shirt, pressing his cold hands against his skin.

 

At the contact Isak breaks apart and hisses and knocks their foreheads together. “You shit,” he mumbles and smacks Even’s hand away before placing them around his neck again.

 

“You love it,” Even whispers, a laugh in his voice and he presses a soft peck to Isak’s cheek before kissing him on the lips again.

 

_And yeah,_ Isak thinks, _he kind of does._

 

////

 

They’re cramped together on the small couch, Isak curled up in Even’s lap. He’s only had a few drinks, nowhere near drunk, but still feels the heat from alcohol burning his skin. His head feels like it’s swimming, his surrounding going in and out of focus. He’s tired, the lack of sleep finally catching up to him and his eyelids feel heavy, fighting to stay open.

 

He sniffles a bit as he closes his droopy eyes and leans his head against Even’s chest. He grabs a hold of Even’s shirt and shuffles sideways, trying to find a comfortable position. At his sudden movement, Even snaps his head up from the conversation he’s having with Mahdi and looks down at Isak, wiggling around in his lap.

 

“You okay, sunshine,” he says gently as he cards his fingers through Isak’s curls, moving it from where it’s fallen into his eyes.

 

Isak makes a non coherent sound in response and finally settles, content in his position. He melts into Even’s chest, his skin burning through the fabric of his shirt, creating a cocoon of warmth.

 

“Yeah, I‘m fine,” he replies, his voice slowing down with every spoken word.

 

Even wraps his arms around him, holding him in place against his body. He sprawls them across Isak’s stomach, making small circles over the bunched up fabric of his shirt.

 

“You look a bit sleepy, baby. You want to take a nap? You can stay here, it’s fine by me.”

 

Isak tilts his head up and Even meets his gaze, giving him a private smile before he leans down and brushes their lips together in a gentle kiss. It’s barely a peck but Isak can feel a warmth spread through his body at the contact, collecting under his skin, creating a soft buzz.

 

“You sure?”

 

“Of course, sleep it off. It’ll make you feel better.” Even presses a kiss to the top of his head before he laces their fingers together, tugging Isak towards him. Isak stares at him for a few moments, a sleepy smile breaking out across his face before he places his head back on Even’s chest, closing his eyes and drifting off into sleep, a smile still stuck on his lips.

 

////

 

When he wakes up he’s alone. He looks around the room quickly, no one else around. The others must’ve left while he was sleeping and Even is nowhere to be found. He’s lying sprawled out on the couch, hugging a pillow with a blanket thrown across his body, no doubt Even’s work.

 

He lets out a stifled yawn and looks out across the room. They were sitting in an office on the bottom floor. Earlier there’d been a couple of people milling around the room but now it’s empty except for Isak. There’s two glass doors opening up to a balcony on his left and through the glass he can make out a few people spread out on the back porch, all huddled together in the cold and sharing cigarettes over shaky fingers.

 

Through the closed door he can hear the soft thud of the party still going on in other parts of the house. The music has become muffled from traveling through the house but Isak can still feel the bass vibrate against the walls and pulsate through his body. It’s filling up the small space of the room, bouncing against the bookshelves, spinning around in circles, hitting him from every side.

 

Isak kicks the blanket off his body and stretches his curled up legs, feeling his muscles pop. His entire body slowly starts relaxing as he rolls his shoulders and tilts his head back against the armrest, feeling the knots tied into his muscles untwining themselves.

 

He fishes his phone out of the pocket of his jeans and pushes the home button, making his screen light up with a picture of the six boys. Magnus had taken it during Halloween and they’re all dressed up and making stupid faces into the camera. Mahdi looking terrifying as the Joker next to Jonas’ effortlessly cool Batman. Magnus had slacked off, only throwing some vampire teeth, a last minute costume as he’d put off getting a good one until the same day. Even and Isak had gone as God and Julius Caesar. They’re sitting the furthest away from the camera and right before the photo had been taken, Isak had snuck his hand around Even to give his cheek a small pinch. Even had started giggling and his face is slightly blurry in the picture but it’s radiating happiness with his eyes crinkled.

 

Isak unlocks it and ignores his old Instagram notifications to type out a quick message to Even, asking him where they are. He hasn’t been online for a few hours but Isak still sits with the conversation open for a couple of seconds before he locks his phone again and squeezes it back into his pocket.

 

He pushes to his feet and drags his fingers through his tousled hair as he walks across the room. He opens the door and makes his way out to the party, deciding to look for Even and the rest of the boys. It’s quiet in the corridor, only a couple of people huddled together but as he makes it further into the house, the amount of people increases. He feels their presence get under his skin, mingling with the soft buzz of the alcohol still in his bloodstream from earlier. The nap made it fade out, made the room spin less, but he can still feel its heat radiating within his body.

 

Isak fishes his phone out for something to do with his fidgety hands and checks it, but there are no new notifications, his messages to Even are still unread. A lingering feeling of disappointment washes over his body as he mindlessly scrolls through his feed for something to do. When a few beats have passed without a new message popping up he gives in and pockets it again. He’s made it to the center of the house by now, people huddled around him in groups. He pushes his way through the sea of people to get to the living room, where their chatter mixes with the loud music blasting from the speakers. He quickly scans the room, letting his eyes roam over the dancing crowd for his friends familiar faces but doesn’t find anyone and turns away from the doorway, slightly disappointed.

 

////

 

He moves into a corridor and suddenly the room feels too hot, too cramped. There’s people filling out every inch of the tiny space, packed against the walls, talking above the music. He looks around as he suddenly becomes aware of just how close they are, how they’re peering in on the edge of his private space. He tries turning around to create some distance for himself but accidentally crashes into a girl, making the drink in her hand shake from their collision, spilling some of it on her dress. He doesn’t have time to take in her reaction before he’s mumbling a sorry and brushing past her. He needs to get the fuck out of here as soon as possible. With every passing second he feels his body tensing up more and more, the anxiety settling in his body, letting the familiar feeling of it all hit him like a tidal wave.

 

He hasn’t had a panic attack in so long, has let Even whisk him away from it all, keeping his mind occupied. Even when he’s felt it all coming back he’s pushed it aside, ignored his aching bones, cuddling closer to Even under the covers, letting sleep take him under.

 

So for it to come back so easily, seemingly out of nowhere, feels like a betrayal. He feels as if his body is caving in on him, flooding him with unwanted emotions. It’s a sense of comfort he doesn’t want, he doesn’t want for it to feel like a security - to know that he can fall back so easily, as if all the time in between has merely been a blur, a nothingness to fill out the void.

 

Isak pushes his way through the crowd, frantically searching for somewhere to hide, somewhere he can get away from it all. He feels the walls closing in on him, the people crowding further into his space with every step he takes. It’s all suffocating him, crawling against his skin, collecting at the end of his throat. He feels it all start to kick in - the sweating, the panic burning his skin, the trembling. He can hear his heart beating loud against his chest, ta-thump-ta-thump , it goes.

 

He rushes past the kitchen where he can hear Magnus’ laughter bouncing against the walls, hitting him as he stumbles his way forward. He rounds the corner and is finally met with a quiet corridor. There’s only a few people around, standing in pairs, a few of them making out against the wall. His eyes blink rapidly, shooting glances at the people, but none of them are paying attention to him as he makes his way down to the bathroom.

 

Isak turns the knob and feels a wave of relief hit him as he realizes it’s unoccupied. He walks into the small room and closes the door behind him. His legs give in as he slides against the door, sitting down on the cold tiles. His breathing is rapid, coming out in small puffs, ringing out clear in the empty room. He takes a deep breath, trying to settle his body. He holds it in, feels the air trapped within the walls of his body and exhales through his mouth after a few beats and closes his eyes. The darkness leaves him feeling content, takes him away from the party happening on the other side of the door for a moment, reminds him of sleep, of drifting away.

 

He presses the tips of his fingers against his eyelids, trying to keep the tears inside. He adds more and more pressure as the lump in his throat grows and the beating of his heart speeds up. He isn’t bothered by the stabbing pain shooting through his body, by the added weight, instead he needs it as a reminder that he’s alive, that he’s still here despite his body’s attempt at telling him otherwise. The pain is the only thing grounding him and he doesn’t know whether that scares him or not, the realization that he’s so reliant on it.

 

Instead he concentrates on settling his breathing - inhaling, exhaling, inhaling, exhaling. He feels his body’s shudders grow less and less intense with each breath and the tension slowly seep its way out of his body. A few tears have managed to escape and his lashes are wet, sticking together. He blinks his eyes open and brings his hand up to thumb underneath his eyes, to wipe the tears away.

 

The lump in his throat is slowly untangling itself and he feels the hit of panic slowly disappear and fade back to where it came from. Every time he exhales he tells himself he’s removing a small part of it in the process, and by the time he will have calmed down, the anxiety and feeling of bone crushing pain will be gone as well.

 

He lets his head hit the back of the door with a small thud as he hugs his knees to his chest, wrapping his arms around them, curling in on himself and trying to feel as small as possible. The lump in his throat is still making it hard to breathe and his glassy eyes are blurring his surroundings, making it hard to see. He closes them again, blinking hard to let the tears stream down his face as he does his best to regulate his breathing, to calm himself down.

 

The hardest part is always giving in to what’s happening, letting himself drown before he can attempt to swim to the surface again, he thinks. To let his body fill itself with the anxiety, with the water and feel it go under, get wrapped up in the waves and feel it sink to the bottom. It’s the scariest part, the one of choosing to let go in order to get back up again. The hesitation between the two, the lingering feeling of what will happen.

 

His thoughts are interrupted by a soft knock on the door behind him. It startles him, makes him snap his head up, his eyes widened.

 

“Iss, ar-are you in there?” Even’s voice comes a second later. It’s laced with worry, with hesitation. He’s speaking quietly, his voice barely carrying through the wooden door.

 

Isak feels his heart rate shoot off, all his efforts of calming himself in vain. It all moves so fast, he barely registers the before and after as his body is hit all over again. Suddenly the lump is in his throat, closing it up, spreading through his body, numbing it bit by bit. His vision goes blurry as his eyes rim with tears and his breathing speeds up, coming out in a series of shaky breaths.

 

He’s screwed, fucked, done for. Even’s found him and he knows he can hear him on the other side of the door as he continues to fight for air. Knows he’s probably worried sick and has no idea what’s happening to Isak right now. How could he, he’s never seen him like this. He’s never seen him lose all control and completely give in to the demons inside of his head.

 

He contemplates telling Even to go away but despite the comfort in being left alone he doesn’t want to hurt him. Doesn’t want him to feel one-tenth of how shitty he’s currently feeling, never wants to do that to him. So when Even goes to ask again if he’s in there, Isak chokes out a quiet _yes_ and scrambles away from the door, crawling a few steps so he’s sitting on the fuzzy rug in the middle of the bathroom and facing the door.

 

Isak hugs his knees to his chest again and leans his forehead against the top of them. He squeezes his eyes shut, blocking out the bright light from above. He hears the soft sound of the door creaking open and Even’s shoes over the threshold, squeaking as he makes his into the room.

 

“Oh Isak what happened,” he says when he sees Isak curled up on the floor, his voice breaking. He slams the door shut, making Isak jump in surprise as he rushes over to where he’s sat, placing himself in front of him on the floor.

 

“Baby, are you- Iss, Isak, look at me,” he ushers, his voice shaky and panicked. The words are rushing out of his mouth, breaking in half as he fights the overflow of thoughts trying to voice themselves.

 

He brings a hand to rub back and forth over Isak’s own, but he’s so shaken up from seeing Isak this way, all broken and scattered, his eyes boring into Isak’s closed ones that his hand moves too fast, making the friction burn against his skin.

 

“Iss, baby, what’s going on?” he asks, his voice sounding far off and scared as the pace of his hand increases.

 

“I-I’m fin-fine,” Isak chokes out, his voice breaking as he does his best to push the words out of his mouth. They taste bitter on his tongue as he speaks them, a badly concealed lie.

 

“Isak, I’m not an idiot, I can tell you aren’t,” Even says, his voice with a bit of an edge to it, as if he isn’t in the mood to put up with lies. And Isak gets it, of course he does it, he’s been through it far too many times before, people growing sick of the lies he’s had to tell to hide away this side of him, the side that clashes with the person he’s expected to be, the person he wants to be.

 

He tries to reassure Even that he’s fine but a sharp pain stabs at his chest and he feels himself gasping for air, trying to breathe. He’s gaping his mouth open and shut, his chest still expanding, still stuck in the motion of inhaling and exhaling but he doesn’t feel anything, doesn’t feel any air leave his lungs. The lump stuck in his body has reached the top of his throat and his entire body goes numb, everything slowly fading away.

 

Even is still rambling in front of him but it’s all been reduced to background noise, the words spoken but not registered. He opens his eyes for the first time since Even entered the room and lifts his head from his knees. He blinks a couple of times, adjusting his eyes to the light streaming back into his vision. They’re still watering as tears continue to stream down his cheeks, reducing Even to a blurry mixture of colors sitting in front of him.

 

Suddenly Isak gasps out a breath, finally peeking his head out from underneath the surface, catching a breath of air. It pushes its way out of his body, ripping its way from his lungs and he feels his body letting out some of its trapped tension, his shoulders rolling back and the sharp tugs of his body shaking slowing down, calming down to the pace of his heart doing the same.

 

“Iss, baby, I’m so worried what’s going on, what do you need, tell me and I’ll get it for you. You’re really scaring me and like, you won’t talk to me and- Iss, please , just tell me what to do and I’ll do it.” Even is stumbling over the words in his rush to get them out, his brows growing more furrowed and his hand now clutching desperately at Isak’s leg, his nails digging into his jeans.

 

Isak untangles Even’s arm from around his leg and reaches for his hand, circling his fingers around his wrist. His thumb finds Even’s pulse and he uses it to anchor him down.

 

He closes his eyes shut, putting all his focus on Even’s heart beating underneath his fingertips, calming him down. He takes a couple of deep breaths to remind himself that he isn’t drowning anymore, that he’s alive, that he can breathe, before he let’s himself float back to reality and opens his eyes.

 

“I just- Can you just hold me,” he whispers, looking up into Even’s eyes. His brow is still furrowed and his eyes narrowed but when their eyes meet his face softens, the sharp features smoothing out and his eyes go warm.

 

He nods in return and gently removes Isak’s hand from around his wrist as he crawls to sit behind him. He leans back against the counter and wraps his arms around Isak’s waist and drags him flush against his chest. Isak turns on his side as he curls into Even’s protective embrace and places his head above his heart, mirroring his position from earlier.

 

Even lets out a deep sigh as he tighten his grip around him, his fingers digging into his ribs. He starts stroking his hair, bringing him back to when he used to be a kid and his mom would do the same to him every night as she tucked him into bed with a kiss to his cheek and a _goodnight, baby._

 

He lets out a sniffle, scrunching his nose together and nuzzles further into the warmth of Even’s shirt. When he realizes what he’s done he mumbles a sorry, muffled by the fabric and Even lets out a low laugh that vibrates through Isak’s body, pulsates underneath his skin.

 

“It’s okay, Isak,” Even says quietly, leaning down to plant a soft kiss to the top of his head, his fingers still slowly carding through his hair and massaging his scalp.

 

“I’m sorry too,” he says and Isak knows he means it.

 

He let’s out a non coherent sound in reply and presses a kiss above Even’s heart as he closes his eyes and lets himself drift away, letting Even’s heartbeat be the only thing anchoring him down.

 

////

 

Later that night they’re lying in bed, cuddled close together under the sheets. The winter cold has snuck its way into their apartment and with the heating acting up they only have the warmth radiating from their bodies pressed together and the faint buzz of alcohol running through their veins to make them forget about it.

 

There’s people rushing past outside the window, shouting happy new year at the top of their lungs and their laughter rings out in the death of the night as they carry on with their conversation, their voices echoing against the brick buildings.

 

Isak feels himself drift off, their voices lulling him into sleep with Even’s body pressed close to his. Even is pressing soft kisses into each of Isak’s knuckles where their hands are entwined. It’s all so genuine and sweet while still laced with a thick layer of concern. He lingers with each touch as if he wants to make sure Isak gets everything he’s putting into the soft press of his lips. His touch speaks of comfort, of protection, of unknown futures and Isak latches onto the feelings seeping through his body, making a home for themselves inside the walls of his heart.

 

He places his head in the crook of Even’s neck and presses an openmouthed kiss onto his radiating skin, spelling out _I love you_ with the swirl of his tongue. He wants to tell him so bad, wants him to know how much he means to him, but he’s even more scared than he was before now that Even’s seen this other side of him. The fear is irrational but it latches onto every thought passing through his mind, infiltrating it from the inside. He’s scared of broken promises, of broken words and becoming broken people. But most of all he’s scared to find himself so deep into the dark he can’t find the flicker of light anymore.

 

////

 

Isak wakes up nine hours later to a pounding head and the smell of something burning. His first instinct is to roll into Even’s arms and mumble complaints about Magnus’ cooking skills into the fabric of his shirt but finds Even’s side of the bed to be empty, the covers bunched up and the mattress cold from the lack of a body to heat it up.

 

He scrunches his face together as he leans up on his elbows, scanning the room for any clues as to Even’s whereabouts. Last night’s clothes are neatly folded on top of the dresser, just as Even had left them and there doesn't seem to be any signs of him having had scrimmaged the room for anything else to wear, meaning he’s probably out for a run or in the bathroom or somewhere else in the apartment.

 

Isak feels his body sag in relief, the momentary panic slowly fading. Letting out a deep yawn he slumps forward on the bed, star fishing himself across both of their sides with the bunched up covers keeping him warm. He nuzzles into the pillow as he lets out a series of small yawns, preparing himself for sleep.

 

“ Fuck!” someone cries out from the kitchen as the sound of metal hitting the floor rings out.

 

Isak lets out a disgruntled groan as he turns and burrows his face into the pillow, crying out “ Magnus, you complete shit,”  in anger, his voice coming out muffled but carrying through the walls.

 

“Oh, shit, fuck - Sorry, Iss,” Even’s voice answers him instead. “I didn’t mean to wake you!”

 

Isak rolls himself out of bed, shivering as his bare feet hit the cold floor before he tugs the covers from the bed and drapes them around his shoulders, making himself into a human burrito.

 

He pads out into the living room which opens up to their tiny kitchen where Even’s stood in front of the stove. He’s got on nothing but his briefs slung low on his hips. He’s keeping himself busy by scraping burnt toast into the sink and humming along to a song under his breath. When he hears the rustle of sheets as Isak moves, he turns around, his face brightening at the sight of him.

 

“You cold, baby,” he murmurs, flashing him a grin as Isak nods in response through a small yawn and frees a hand to rub the sleep out of his eyes.

 

Isak walks up to him and opens the sheets, covering Even’s lanky body as he hugs him from behind. He rests his head on his shoulder and Even crooks his neck at an awkward angle to press a kiss to the top of his head.

 

“Morning, sunshine,” he mumbles, his voice muffled from where it’s pressed to Isak’s hair.

 

“Morning,” Isak croaks out and sniffles as he tilts his head up, capturing Even’s lips in a chaste kiss. It’s stale from their morning breath but it’s nice, familiar in a way. Even giggles into his mouth and draws back to press a small kiss to his nose.

 

“Mm the best morning,” Even mumbles, a smile in his voice as he turns back to the toast.

 

“Afraid it’s a lost cause, baby,” Isak says, peering over his shoulder to get a good look at the burnt toast Even’s holding. It’s still black, despite Even’s poor attempt at scraping it off.

 

“Don’t think it does much when you’ve managed to burn all of it.”

 

“Sorry, I really wanted to make you a proper breakfast, after last night and everything,” Even rushes out. He puts the toast down in the sink and wipes his fingers clean from any stray crumbs.

 

“It’s okay,” Isak says as he opens the blanket burrito, giving Even enough space to turn in his arms, so they’re stood face to face.

 

Even wraps his arms around Isak’s middle, squeezes and takes a step forward. They’re stood so close their noses are brushing, Even’s breathing coming out in small puffs, tickling Isak where they punch against his cheeks.

 

“Hi,” he mumbles as he leans in to give Even a proper good morning kiss. Even swipes his tongue over his bottom lip, asking for entrance and Isak opens it willingly. Their breath tastes stale, but Isak thinks that the feeling of Even’s lips moving against his has to be one of his favorite things in the world. He leans back without breaking the kiss, tilting his head to the side, deepening it. It’s tongues clashing, hands roaming over each other’s bodies, keeping it heated without the promise of taking it further.

 

_It’s nice_ , he thinks, that they can have this, these kind of moments, without feeling the need to have it always lead to sex. It’s comforting in an odd way, to know that sometimes it can be just this, that their relationship isn’t dependent on anything else but finding pieces they lost in each other, always seeking them out, helping each other take steps forward.

 

“Felt weird waking up without you,” Isak admits when their lips part, gasping for air.

 

“Sorry,” Even replies quietly as he leans in to plant one, two, three closemouthed kisses against Isak’s lips.

 

“I just, uhm...” Even trails off, leaning their foreheads together.

 

Isak grabs the end of the covers in one hand and brings the other one up to the back of Even’s neck where he starts rubbing soothing circles into his skin, urging him to go on.

 

“So, uhm, I woke up and I was thinking about last night and I just felt like I didn’t want to ever be in that situation again,” he breaks off, exhaling and Isak feels his entire body tense up. His hand stills and Even’s head flips up as he continues, in a hurry. “No, no, not-not like that, I just meant that I felt so helpless seeing you go through that and not knowing what to do. I felt so bad, I’m so sorry, Iss, I should’ve been able to help you and god, fuck -”

 

“Shh, no, it’s okay,” Isak coos into his ear, placing a kiss on his cheek and resting his head against it, his eyelashes creating patterns where they’re fanning against Even’s skin.

 

“So, well, I decided to research it, if that’s okay with you? I guess I just wanted to understand it better, like get a feel for what you’re going through, you know like you did for me.”

 

Isak lifts his head and meets Even’s wondering gaze. His eyes scream of insecurity and mistakes, punching at Isak’s chest. He surges forward, up on his tip toes, leans against Even’s chest and kisses him hard on the lips, trying his best to kiss the fleeting feelings away, to let him know that it’s okay, that they’re okay.

 

Even exhales and Isak thinks he can hear him whisper a _thank you_ as he closes his eyes. Isak peppers his face with soft butterfly kisses. He kisses his left cheek, his right cheek, his nose, the corner of his mouth, his eyelids, the crease between his brows before placing his feet flat on the hardwood floor again.

 

He nudges Even’s nose with his own to get his attention and watches Even’s eyes flutter open.

 

“Hey, no, I’m glad you did. Honestly. You taking the effort to do that, to try and understand it, all of this ,” he says with a sweeping gestures of his free hand, “means a lot. It’s kind of messy, for me too, but thank you ,” he finishes, a smile breaking out over his face.

 

“Really,” Even asks, his voice shy.

 

“Even, it makes me so,” he presses a kiss to his nose, “ so ,” one to the bridge of his nose, ”glad,” and one to his mouth, pressing their lips together in a soft kiss, just barely a peck. “It makes me so glad you did it.”

 

Even gives him a wide grin in return, hooking his chin over Isak’s shoulder as he wraps him up in a hug, crashing their bodies together. Isak hides his smile in the crook of his neck and tightens his grip on the covers, keeping the heat trapped inside their bubble, the one place he finds himself belonging. Where he feels content and a sense of stability, of a definite.

 

**Author's Note:**

> Lots of love Xx
> 
> Tumblr is PrincelyIsak


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